Bears-Rams: Fourth Quarter Action

December 11th, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

Another pounding series of runs; another touchdown. The Raiders ought to inquire about the availability of Joe Fan to be offensive coordinator next weekend. (Take the job, Joe Fan; the Raiders are playing the Rams.) Anyone with an early morning tomorrow is dismissed with the blog’s thanks. 35-13 Bears.

Update #1: The Bears are beaten again on another long drive, but to what extent? What does it *mean*, dammit?

I don’t know; I didn’t bet the points. 35-20 Bears.

Update #2: When you watch Devin Hester’s second TD of the night tomorrow morning, watch how casually he begins his run. It’s fait accompli. He just knows and, as we watch, we just know. Those first two steps looked like my first dozen or so in the gym each morning. He trudged, I swear it. Then the third step hits and his hips shimmy to life and you just *know* you’re scoring tonight and it’s only a matter of time.

I need a moment. 42-20 Bears.

Update #3: The Bears defense is already standing in the security line at Lambert. 42-27 Bears.

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Bears-Rams: Third Quarter Action

December 11th, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

The Bears do their best imitation of the Rams offense, biting off chewable portions and jamming the ball into the end zone via Thomas Jones. 21-13 Bears.

Why Joe Fan Thinks He Can Run a Professional Football Offense, Reason #49823749:

Tony: “Joe, what did the Bears change at halftime? What did they adjust?”
Joe: “‘We’re giving the ball to Thomas.’”
Tony: “That’s it? It’s as simple as that?”
Joe Fan: “Yer goddamned right. I’ve been sayin’ that for weeks. *scratch* *fart*”

Update #1: That was the hardest damned throw I’ve seen on a screen pass since early Favre. I hate myself for thinking it.

Update #2: Don’t be shocked it’s a Chicago crowd, Tony; none of the coverage remotely implies you know you’re in St. Louis. Also, Muhsin Muhammad has my favorite crossover move of any Chicago athlete at the moment. 28-13 Bears.

Update #3: Bears fans, repeat after me: The Rams are the 26th best pass defense and the 29th best run defense, according to DVOA.

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Bears-Rams: Second Quarter Action

December 11th, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

After a quarter, it appears nothing has changed for the Bears. They’re crushing the running game and the trained viewer can taste the first Rams turnover. Grossman is wild and uncertain, questioning every move he makes.

The Rams put together an impressive drive in both results and method. It was unrelenting without being overwhelming; it was the waterboarding of offensive football.

Naturally, the Rams muff the extra point to avoid appearing fully competent. It’s 6-0 Rams.

Before I can even notify you of the yeoman’s work by the Rams, Devin Hester throws the Bears on his broad, supple shoulders and carries the team out of the fire. I’ve always had the sense that special teams touchdowns were more chance than skill, but he’s rolling hard sevens quite a bit this season, bless his soul. 7-6 Bears.

Update #1: I’d like a mulligan on my opening paragraph, please. The Rams are persistently scraping a few yards here and there, making the Bears defense look bad in aggregate if not in highlight. Stephen Jackson is far too big to be that fast, but there he goes yet again. 14-6 Rams.

The Bears are Mike Tyson, hopeless without the quick knockout; the Rams are now Julio César Chávez, fighting well above their weight.

Update #2:
Tony: “So you’re a Bears fan. How’s that goin’ for you?”
Jim: “My life is a lie.”
Joe: “heh heh. You’re a funny guy.”
Mike: “So what’s happening this year on the wildly popular ‘According to Jim’?”
Jim: “I want to die, but I’m too chickenshit to swallow a handgun.”
Tony: “Would you leave Rex Grossman in? huh? Take a stand, Belushi.”
Jim: “Please push me out of the booth.”
Joe: “heh heh. Funny guy.”
Tony: “Super Bowl? What do you think?”
Jim: “Oh God, it hurts so much.”

Update #3: Theesman makes a cogent analysis of the touchdown pass from Grossman to Berrian, pointing out that the Grossman of previous weeks would have held the ball a moment or two longer and muffed the play. I believe Theesman is correct, though I’d be wary to declare the patient cured. Thank you for doing your job, though, Joe. Keep up the good work. 14-13 Bears.

Update #4: Theesman then makes a clean call on the Bulger sack, making it clear it’s not a “coverage sack” but a quarterback that needs to let slip the dogs of war a wee bit earlier. He manages to do all this in the few seconds before the next play.

Dear Tripod Flashlight Aliens,

You can keep the old Theesman.

Thanks,
Tuffy

Update #5: Hey, look! Grossman turns it over!

No one will be seated during the thrilling instant replay review. Jab my eyes out with a Buick.

Update #6: The last update never happened. Until it happens again.

Update #7: The teams lurch back and forth in a pitiable imitation of a two-minute offense, dragging out the game to a painful crawl. The score remains 14-13 Bears and I will see you all on the other side of a peanut butter and banana sammich.

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Bears-Rams: First Quarter Action

December 11th, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

For those of you outside the greater Chicago area, please let me be the first and the loudest to disavow Jim Belushi as a beloved Chicagoan. He’s an embarrassment of the first order; his career is predicated on getting his name in the credits to confuse the slow-witted into thinking the talented one is alive and kicking.

He’s hitched himself to the local sports teams to keep his Q rating up and his positives solid, but it only shows him as an ingratiating hanger-on; if it were Chicago’s call, we’d offer him a reality show that forces him to live in an apartment with Cathy Smith until one of them is dead. He’d sign it because he’s a whore.

The game so far has the feel of two heavyweight fighters feeling each other out. Unfortunately, those metaphorical fighters are George Foreman and Evander Holyfield.

Update #1: Maybe Michael Vick and Rex Grossman should line up in the same backfield.

As running backs. Or perhaps groundskeepers.

St. Louis fans are still working the D-fence sign; they haven’t even received the memo about the Off-fence sign. That’s refreshing in a delightfully Midwestern way.

Update #2: A Bears fan in the crowd is sporting the bright orange abomination jersey, #54-style. I’m pretty sure he’s married and that his wife is cheating on him as we speak with his best friend. It’s deserved.

Grossman makes another wild throw while in the grasp of a defender and is not chided in the least by the announcing crew. “Stood tall.” “Avoided the sack.” “Can only remember an object exists as long as I can see it.”

Why do I enjoy a well-placed punt so? Is it the strategic advantage? The delusion that even a slow white guy like me could do that if I just practiced for a month or two? I just do. I love a 7 second hangtime punt within the 2. (Needless to say, this game has yet to catch fire.)

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Bears-Rams: Pre-Game “Action”

December 11th, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

I may have said something snide at one point about quarterback controversies in general and the Bears’ “conundrum” in particular. I don’t have any patience for repetition and mundanity, which this particular canard usually offers.

I have to admit, though, that I’ve been forced to reconsider my position on the specific case of Rexy or not to Rexy. Who forced me to step back and examine my life choices?

Who else? Saint Jaws of Philadephia.

““He’s out of control,” Jaworski said. “He’s having a hard time differentiating aggressiveness from stupidity.” I asked about the Bears offensive scheme, and Jaworski pointed out several plays that were designed to give Grossman an easy read and boost his confidence. Even on these relatively simple plays, Grossman made mistakes. “Right now, Ron Turner is calling plays not to attack the defense, but to try to get Grossman comfortable,” he said.”

Again, let me be clear: wiser and smarter men than me are considering the issue, none of whom appear on my television in an earring and/or tie. However, I will be watching Mr. Grossman’s composure with greater countenance this evening. It’s a damned shame there’s no one available to help me with that during the telecast.

Enough, now, about the horse beaten so badly that no message board could save it. I ask you to turn your gaze southwest ever so slightly and consider the St. Louis Rams. They’re 5-7 and have been outscored by 45 points. I can tell you no more about this team as a casual fan because they have committed the Cardinal sin of sports: they’re dull.

I don’t say that to be snide or sarcastic. (Who are we kidding? Of course I do.) However, I’d also like to be wrong. Mike Martz is in his death throes with another team. The league forced the Rams to take on Denzel Washington’s son to shine just the slightest wattage on the team for Monday Night Football.

I present the worst sentence you can say to a Rams fan tonight. Bears fans, use this gift judiciously for you are not too far removed from the shame of blandness:

“Hey, didn’t he used to be Isaac Bruce?”

Update #1: Oh, Rachel honey…you’ve got more roots showing than a tree after a tornado.

Update #2: Senator Barack Obama: Taped open. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but this man will be our next Bobby Kennedy. Prepare for it. Wish for it.

Jim Belushi fetches the helmet. More on Belushi later.

Is ESPN aware the game is being played in St. Louis? Hell, I did a double-take after the open when the first field shot was indoors.

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Bears-Rams: Third Quarter Action

December 4th, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

The Bears do their best imitation of the Rams offense, biting off chewable portions and jamming the ball into the end zone via Thomas Jones. 21-13 Bears.

Why Joe Fan Thinks He Can Run a Professional Football Offense, Reason #49823749:

Tony: “Joe, what did the Bears change at halftime? What did they adjust?”
Joe: “‘We’re giving the ball to Thomas.’”
Tony: “That’s it? It’s as simple as that?”
Joe Fan: “Yer goddamned right. I’ve been sayin’ that for weeks. *scratch* *fart*”

Update #1: That was the hardest damned throw I’ve seen on a screen pass since early Favre. I hate myself for thinking it.

Update #2: Don’t be shocked it’s a Chicago crowd, Tony; none of the coverage remotely implies you know you’re in St. Louis. Also, Muhsin Muhammad has my favorite crossover move of any Chicago athlete at the moment. 28-13 Bears.

Update #3: Bears fans, repeat after me: The Rams are the 26th best pass defense and the 29th best run defense, according to DVOA.

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Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Fourth Quarter Action

December 4th, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

The fourth quarter starts with Romeo Crennel sucking on an oxygen mask and demanding no one look at him. The NFL Network provides 12 angles of this.

Update #1: Derek Anderson clanks a three from 35 feet/yards, sending rumbles throughout the crowd. It’s still 38-24 Browns. Bryant and Cris will not shut the fuck up about the Bills game. Yes, it’s been a nice little display and yes, I hope the game actually becomes close, but let’s not all start sucking ea…

Wait! Is…is that Super John Kuhn’s music?

God, I hope not; I think they’re playing Xanadu. Who let Bryant pick the in-house music tonight?

Update #2: A PLACE WHERE NOBODY DARED TO GO; THE LOVE THAT WE CAME TO KNOW, THEY CALL IT SUPER JOHN KUUUUUUUHN….

Super John Kuhn scores again from 14 yards after another tightly wound drive by the Steelers. He’s not juking the socks off anyone; he’s just…I don’t know. If I had TiVo, maybe I could pause the game and see that it’s Scott Bakula under the helmet and Dean Stockwell is on the sideline. For now, though, it appears he’s just running and the Browns have decided they’ve met their quota for tackling white guys this evening.

Steelers fans have started growing new Franco Harris mustaches in anticipation of this new hero in the making. Needless to say, the women are ahead of the men at the first furlong.

Update #3: Oh, hey…how are you folks without NFL Network enjoying this game? Just curious.

Update #4: During the lull when nobody scores for 30 Goddamned seconds, I’ve had a bit of time to check on Super John Kuhn. Apparently, he nearly set quite a few records at Shippensburg U, most of them involving academics. He’s also a local boy by PA standards; he grew up 220 miles away. I believe he could walk there from the stadium without a Cleveland defender touching him right now.

Update #5: Naturally, as soon as I start pumping the boy up, he fails to get a first down on fourth-and-inches and the Browns get the ball at the Steelers 47 with 5:30 left. Running out of time, boys…

Update #6: Wow, this HD is great; I can even hear Derek Anderson’s sphincter tighten up. He fumbles the ball while holding it out in front of him and making the mating call for the defensive lineman (”I WET ‘EM, SIR”). Romeo Crennel just looked down the sideline for Ken Dorsey, who was sprinting back into the locker room to look for his cajones.

Update #7: Ken finds the Cleveland defense trying to catch the ending of Snow Day. Do the adults get what’s coming to them? How will they ever know?

Update #8: Hines Ward, we didn’t forget about you; don’t be jealous. You can have this TD pass from Ben (whose last name I have not yet bothered trying to master). We still love you. 38-31 Browns, 4:03 left. Tick tock.

Update #9: NOW Cowher doesn’t kick the ball onsides, proving that coaches make all their late-game decisions using the Magic 8 Ball.

Update #10: Three and out from Derek Anderson in his last game as a professional. Hey, maybe you could try hockey next…

Update #11: I muted White Chocolate; I can’t take the Bills talk anymore.

Update #12: Little girls all across Pittsburgh will be taking out construction paper, spreading glue on it, and sprinkling glitter all over it. The message will be clear when the glitter is brushed away: “I HEART SUPER JOHN!”

As a change of pace, Ben *throws* a touchdown pass to Super John from 4 yards out. Romeo has lost control of his considerable bowels and is screaming to Harvey, his invisible rabbit, that someone should really put a fucking body on that fucking white boy.

Roughly speaking. And his name is Super John and he once pulled a tractor off his father using his bare hands. It is a motherfucking tie, 38-38, :37 left. I may loose my own bowels unintentionally.

Update #13: Sorry about the bowels thing.

Update #14: Bill Cowher has spent nearly 15 years as the Steelers head coach. He has a Super Bowl ring so new that he has spilled almost no mustard on it. His team is out of playoff contention.

This must be the security behind GOING FOR THE FUCKING ONSIDE KICK WITH :35 LEFT IN THE GAME! ack. I fear I have lost control of my Caps Lock key. I DON’T CARE! SUPER FUCKING JOHN RECOVERS IT! I didn’t even notice he was still playing special teams, too. Is he working concessions? Calling the camera shots? Selling season tickets?

Oh, he’s selling season tickets.

Update #14: There’s not enough frozen water in the Fortress of Solitude to ice Jeff Reed tonight. I don’t care that he has both sucked and blown this year. Y’know what? He could make it from his living room right now.

Update #15: ahahahahahahahahahahahahahah.

aaahahahahahahaahhaahahahahaha.

Jeff Reed bounces it off the inside of the right upright from 39 yards out to win the game. Pittsburgh may not sleep for two days. I may sleep enough for all of them. Someone let me know if Super John catches a bullet in his hand in the post-game interviews. I’m spent and the sheets are unusually moist. Good night, you kids.

(Oh, and Cleveland? Last week, I reached out to Carolina fans crushed by a difficult loss. For you? Call Ontario to cry.)

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Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Third Quarter Action

December 4th, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

Welcome to Three Mile Island. Please don your protective gear and move to the safety area until further notice. Thank you.

Apparently, Bill Cowher has less confidence in Super John Kuhn as he has come out throwing in the second half. (Of course, that may have a lot to do with being down 38-3.) Ben has stitched together 5 straight passes to quietly move the ball downfield. I’m guessing the Cleveland secondary is a bit distracted by their post-game plans.

Update #1: Super John Kuhn shows a little cape over one shoulder. On his first carry, he steams to a 57-yard touchdown run that had very little to do with beauty and everything to do with functionality. Cleveland’s run defense consisted of light strips and a clearance to land. Bryant gets Kuhn’s name correct, probably because he can relate to a stiff white guy succeeding. 38-10 Browns. Let the healing begin.

Update #2: A few mechanical beeps can be heard from Metaphor Hospital’s ICU as Pittsburgh succeeds at an onside kick. Fans are pausing briefly at the turnstiles and glancing back at the concession stand televisions to consider their next move.

Update #3: Their next move is to step the concession stand for a cup of courage, down it, buy another, and then slip back into their seats. Super John Kuhn pulls the whole cape out and takes his *next* carry 54 yards to La casa gol. (Two years of high school Spanish. Can you believe it?) I believe Gumbel showed a pulse and Collinsworth has predicted a victory for the Steelers. I suspect both are kidding, but youneverknow. 38-17 Browns.

Update #4: If the smell of sulphur is overpowering, Bill, stay away from the well. The Browns were quite ready for the onside kick this time. Bill Frist has stopped his vigil on Gumbel and Collinsworth is trying to explain the playoff possibilities for the Browns. I’m only half-listening, but I believe it involves getting Ontario to annex Ohio and absorbing the Browns into the CFL.

Needless to say, I’m open to this suggestion.

Update #5: Apparently, Derek Anderson has been replaced by Eric Snow, the only guard slower than him in the NBA. That must explain how he was caught from behind by Casey Hampton on a scramble. The ball is then pulled into Casey’s gravitational pull. The game is delayed a few minutes as the Jaws of Life are called in. Fumble; recovered by the Steelers.

Update #6: Super John Kuhn carries the ball for a 6 yard gain but does not score a touchdown. A call goes out for a young priest and an old priest.

Update #7: Ben’s head spins around three times and he finds Hines Ward on a hook and go for a 47 yard touchdown. Cleveland’s defensive coordinator is called down from the booth and sent into the locker room to make sure his players made it out on the field after halftime. 38-24 Browns.

Update #8: The Cleveland defense is found watching Snow Day. Oh, those kids with their hijinks…

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Cleveland-Pittsburgh: Second Quarter Action

December 4th, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

I had an inspirational bit here. It was a message of hope for Pittsburgh fans. It was a message of joy. It was a window to the soul through which Steelers fans could envision both inner beauty and a comeback.

Then Dennis Northcutt ran back the punt for a TD. 21-0 Browns.

I had a beautiful bit here. It was a message of hope for Pittsburgh fans. It was a message of joy. It was a window to the soul through which Steelers fans could envision both inner beauty and a comeback.

Then Dennis Northcutt ran back the punt for a TD. 21-0 Browns.

Update #1: Okay, I stepped away for a few minutes to clean and tend to my cat. What did I miss?

Oh. Oh, I see.

Congratulations to the Browns on their field goal, running TD, and 62 yard punt.

Condolences to the Steelers for their fumble and 24 yard field goal. 31-3 Browns.

Hey, Pittsburgh, did I mention tonight is Test Pattern Night on WPCW? Why don’t you flip over now and check that out? I hear Cris Collinsworth doesn’t tell you why your quarterback can’t change his own diaper on that station. He certainly doesn’t present a wonderful series of play breakdowns to illustrate said point over there.

Update #2: Najeh Davenport just limped off the field with the assistance of the training staff at the two-minute warning.

uhm.

Hey! Look! A shiny thing!

Bryant Gumbel calls him “No-Date Davenport,” I think. What’s the prep work like, Bryant? Do you read the rosters of *both* teams? Very thorough of you.

Update #3: Bill Cowher appears to have just remembered how he lost his favorite stuffed animal, Pilly the caterpillar, when he was 7 and the sudden realization of just how much Pilly meant to him may crush his soul.

Or he may have glanced down the depth chart and seen Super John Kuhn from Sarsaparilla State as his sole remaining running back. Jerome Bettis, please pick up a white courtesy phone. Jerome Bettis…

Update #4: Bets will be taken for the next 60 seconds on Gumbel calling Kuhn “Bowie”.

Okay then. That’s positive; Bill has the confidence in Dan Kreider to hand off to him inside the 20 with 1:37 left in the half.

Of course, Dan fumbles it to Brodney Pool, who runs it back 87 yards for a touchdown. Still, it’s good to see Bill had confidence in the veteran.

(Pittsburgh fans, don’t read the rest of this post.)

38-3 Browns.

Update #5: Super John Kuhn, special teams god, gets the handoff from Ben and manages to come out both alive and in possession of the ball. The parade for Kuhn starts at noon tomorrow in front of Heinz Field.

Halftime from a merciful and benevolent higher being. I will be away at half, answering suicide prevention hotline calls from the 412 area code.

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Cleveland-Pittsburgh: First Quarter Action

December 4th, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

Alright, let’s get this underwhelming party started. Pittsburgh is 5-7 but has (barely) outscored their opponents, leaving them just a bit of good luck away from mediocrity; Cleveland is 4-8 and hoping the third point guard from the Heat can pull them through again.

For those of you not in an institutional setting, you may also wish to consider these possibilities:

My Name Is Earl is doing a one-hour special on measuring the annoyance of Leguizamo against the chest of Pressley.
Smallville has Allison Mack and others I kinda notice near her.
Uhm…TBS has the Chris Elliott vehicle Snow Day.

You get the idea.

Update #1: ….and that didn’t take long. Nice assist from Derek to Kellen Winslow for the bucket and the foul on the third play from scrimmage. Give me a second to get my nachos and beer and find my seat again, would you, Derek? 7-0 Browns.

Update #2: Ben? Honey? Do you feel alright? D’Qwell Jackson isn’t on the practice squad; he’s a Cleveland Brown. I tell you what; I’ll introduce you two once he comes back from that hideous touchdown dance he’s doing. Very quickly, 14-0 Browns.

Update #3: With just a couple minutes left in the first quarter, Willie Parker was just sent to brain bruise land by Willie McGinest on a third and short. He was out long enough to visit Narnia but not long enough to join an actual Crusade. (We joke because we love; also, I waited until he sat up on his own and asked for a lollipop.)

During this very long delay, we find out two things about the NFL Network: one, they want sooze and the rest of you to think they’re CSI because they’ve shown the blow graphically enough that I may need to call a loved one to sit with me and ensure I don’t go to sleep for 6 hours. Two, Bryant Gumbel thought the starting running back was Lewis Parker. Hey, Bryant, Pittsburgh wishes.

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