Panthers-Eagles: Pre-Game “Action”

December 4th, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

Welcome to beautiful…Philadelphia? Really? Did someone proof this copy? …okay, then.

Welcome to beautiful Philadelphia, where the Eagles encourage their supporters to develop stigmata to challenge even the most ardent Boston sports fan. Can I get a li’l “Nobody’s Seen the Trouble I’ve Seen” from the congregation? Amen. Their starting quarterback’s name is actually T.B. Determined, drafted out of Alcorn State. This kid’s projectible if a bit underused.

Carolina fans…well, how do you kids feel? I know Carolina’s been all over the place, but this team has the chance to throw down a 3-4 game winning streak at just the right time, no? A win tonight probably fills the hubris cup a bit tonight. (You’re waiting for it, aren’t you? The Hubris Cup joke? It’s not happening. I’ve chosen a joke difficulty this evening of 1.3; there will be no NASCAR jokes tonight.)

Rocky couldn’t wait until the game started to shill. People forget how charismatic and smart Sly used to be; he wrote Rocky! (Then again, he was smart enough to cash in at the right time. I’ve failed to do so. Good on you, Stallone. Good on you. Now go the fuck away, k?)

What a lovely piece on the Santa Claus attack by Jeremy Schapp; it’s equal parts the better bits of NFL Films and SportsCentury. Admittedly, many viewers know this story, but it’s tightly delivered.

I’ll be checking back in with updates, trying to pick up on trends in the game that would normally slip past the announcing team. This may mean I have to post the down and distance a lot. We’ll see.

Update 1: Hank Williams, Jr.’s patch-laden jacket makes him look like a homeless man. I believe this.

Posted in football, nfl | No Comments »

Give It Some GAS - Sexy Rexy Edition

December 4th, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

The National Football League, as much as any other major sport, lends itself nicely to the creation and perpetration of Generally Accepted Storylines. These thumbnail ideas certainly offer much to the sports consumer. The Generally Accepted Storylines echo classic epic tales and lessons, providing continuity to our shared experience and comfort in their easy digestion.

They’re also very simple to whip out when you’re on deadline. In the Swiss Army Knife of storytelling, throwing the GAS is the Philips screwdriver. You can cram it into any situation with the appearance of work in every flail.

Here at NFL Hits, we look forward to finding the hottest GAS out there and dispersing it to the seven winds, post haste, so you can look good at the bar while wasting as little time as possible on excessive GAS.

GAS of the day: Chicago Bears Quarterback Controversy!

Please try this experiment at home, work, or a high school business education classroom:

Go to the cupboard and get a saucepan. Fill it three-quarters full with water. Add a pinch of salt. Put the sauce pan on the stove. (Kids, get help from your parents/guardians!) Turn the heat on High. Start a timer, stopping it when the water reaches a rolling boil. Wait patiently. Mark the time down.

Turn everything off and let it cool. Turn the heat on High again. Start a timer, stopping it when the water reaches a rolling boil. Try everything you can to increase the temperature faster. (Recommended tools include a sauce pan lid, IcyHot, and an acetylene torch.) Throw more salt in. Try to take the salt out with a slotted spoon. Suck the water out with a straw. Wail like a wounded chimp when you burn your tongue. Mark the time down.

Answer these questions in the comments:

1. Which attempt was faster?
2. Which attempt required more patience?
3. Which attempt would look cooler with commercials, four men in ill-fitting suits screaming, and a 24-hour sports talk radio station covering it?
4. Who should start at quarterback for the Chicago Bears?

Please use MLA formatting in your answers. NFL Hits is not responsible for death, dismemberment, or Jay Mariotti’s opinions.

Posted in football, nfl | No Comments »

Vikings-Bears: Game Wrap-Up

December 3rd, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

Bears 23 - Vikings 13

While the Bears’ offense sucked chilly wind and the special teams members displayed a respectable bit of schizophrenia, the Chicago Bears defense quietly gathered the materials for a woodshed and constructed it in the far end zone. In the second half, the Bears defense grabbed the Vikings by their ridiculous horns and dragged them behind their new woodshed (sponsored by Home Depot) to show the Vikings around.

After Vikings turnovers allowed two Bears touchdowns (one by the defense), Brooks Bollinger was broken out of cold storage (HA!) to replace the desiccated four-interception corpse of Brad Johnson, apparently being stored in the meat locker addition of the Chicago Bears Home Depot Woodshed. Brooks then supervised the safety given up to the Bears, ending any strong hope for the Vikings despite some nice work by Bollinger late.

Dan Barreiro and the rest of the Twin Cities sports media had been touching themselves absent-mindedly since the third quarter benching of Brad Johnson and moderate success of Bollinger as the one of the Generally Accepted Storyline (GAS) canards had been resurrected: Quarterback Controversy! However, a particularly vicious sack by Adewale Ogunleye appeared to jam Bollinger’s left shoulder into his colon, forcing Tarvaris Jackson to come out of the ’70s to finish.

The Bears, on the other hand, will continue to train Rex Grossman to stand on his back foot when he throws and the special teams unit to attempt completing each play without swallowing their tongues. Congratulations to the Bears on winning the NFC North. It may be a dubious distinction this year, but it is still an accomplishment worth noting.

This game was announced by Loose-Moose-Goose, who were apoplectic about the numerous bad decisions made by nearly every player in this game. At one point, the normally-eloquent Daryl Johnson started to rant about a punt returner’s indecision and could only finish with a growl that Lou Ferrigno would be proud of. In total, ten turnovers coated this game in a fine sheen of excrement.

(A quick note of thanks to the NFL officials that work in freezing conditions and are forced to call dead-ball penalties time after time when they’d just rather be at home with a cup of cocoa.)

Posted in football, nfl | No Comments »

Vikings-Bears: First-half update

December 3rd, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

Bears 7 - 3 Vikings

However, the score could more eloquently be put “Bears fuck, Vikings shit.” According to my statistician’s marks, there have been 847 turnovers, 312 plays for loss, and 608 missed receivers. (All numbers are approximate; I fear he has taken extra medication to deal with watching the first half.) This game only confirms the Generally Accepted Storylines (GAS) that the NFC has nothing much to offer and that there is little to enjoy about that fact.

Rex Grossman continues to be the lead story; he misses reads and forces throws from his back foot just as in previous weeks. (His checklist to improve is so simple that the Chicago Tribune has sussed it out.) The Bears have also coughed up the ball twice on special teams as well as scored the only touchdown via Devin Hester’s mea culpa punt return.

The Vikings, of course, have been just as embarrassing. If you’re not yet aware that the thousand-yard rushing mark has been completely devalued, Chester Taylor passed that line in the first half. Brad Johnson has missed the target so often that his wife makes him urinate in the back yard.

It appears for all the world that neither team wants to be out in the cold today. If you have an option and no rooting interest, reward solid craftsmanship and quiet confidence by tuning into another game. If you are cheering for purple or navy blue, chug until the second-half kickoff to help the gentle blackout come and carry you to the end.

Posted in football, nfl | No Comments »

Player Profile - Sean Landeta

December 2nd, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

The New York Giants brought in the most veteran of all veteran punters alive, Sean Landeta, to protect against the inability of the next-most veteran of all veteran punters alive, Jeff Feagles, to start on Sunday against the Dallas Cowboys. This is no doubt in respect of Wellington Mara’s final wishes that a New York Giants punter never be younger than him.

As a refresher for all those football fans that don’t remember Sean Landeta’s career, we at NFL Hits are pleased to provide a profile of Sean Landeta as the first of an occasional feature*:

Sean Landeta was pulled fully-formed from the kicking toe of Zeus in 450 BC in a suburb of Athens, Greece. He attended school at Towson College (now University), which he created to give him an opportunity to play college football. In 431 BC, a particularly rough intra-conference rivalry with Syracuse caused him to be conscripted into the Peloponnesian War (later named the USFL).

Sean became the first punter in NFL history before it was known as the National Football League and was instead known as The Roman Empire. While many of his exploits were lost to the sands of time, some survive to this day, including:

• The Italian peninsula was once named Landeta due to its unique shape. When he moved to the New World, the peninsula was renamed.
• Sean once lost a kicking job to Paul Bunyan. As the legend goes, Babe’s corpse still circles the Earth in low orbit to this day.
• His contributions to the Allied cause in World War II made the American purchase of Werner von Braun’s contract from the Axis unnecessary until 1945.
• When Rick Johannson of Scottsdale, AZ, had to battle Satan for his soul in 1985, Rick selected Sean to defend him in a punting battle with Satan. This ended up being unnecessary since Satan’s hooves were a distinct disadvantage. However, Sean did drop-kick a football into Satan’s immortal groin to remind Satan of his place.
• To add a degree of difficulty to his kicks, Sean had Baltimore columnist Mike Preston’s lips grafted to his ass in an elective surgery in 1989.
• Sean whiffed on a punt so hard on December 4th, 1994, in Soldier Field that flood warnings were issued in Muskegon, MI. 47 people died that day, but Sean kicked a football around the Earth so hard as to cause the Earth to spin backwards and reverse time.
• He has the largest callus in medical history on his kicking foot. The density of this callus requires Sean to force the football out of its gravitational pull on each kick.
• He once booted the smirk off Al Michaels’ face. The resultant injury caused him to miss six weeks of action.
• Sean has a wife, Pam, and an undetermined number of children.

*As always, “occasional feature” means “whenever the hell we feel like it.”

Posted in football, nfl | No Comments »