April 22nd, 2007 by Tuffy
Previously posted on DeadOn; moved here for posterity.
Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…
It has come to the attention of Ask Tuffy that a pretender to the throne has arisen under the cover of darkness. Apparently, the Wisconsin Humane Society has chosen to hitch their success to my star by naming their Eastern Screech Owl after yours truly and giving him a column.
Clearly, this tiny asio thinks he can flutter into my territory. You try to roll with the biped mammals and you better be ready to nurse your young and your wounds, Hootie and Your Column Blows. I’ll show you how we treat animals humanely around here, with the emphasis on human. As in, “we’re the humans; you can leave filling the inches to us and concentrate on blocking logging projects.”
This bird has clearly stolen my readers’ questions and tried pitifully to answer them, making the Hamlet monkeys seem productive and efficient. To treat my readers as they should be, I will reclaim my questions and answer them with all the skill a hairy bastard can bring to bear. (Bear, as in “we mammals stick together, so keep your head on a swivel, owl boy.”)
Does Tuffy like the bunny Fufu and pork chop sandwiches?
~Michele
Hey, Michele. Yeah, I once had a party where I invited Fufu over and we did have pork chop sandwiches as part of the catering. Here’s all you need to know about Fufu: dude can’t hold his liquor. After a couple Red Bull and vodkas, he was bouncing all over the place and shouting, “I will bop your heads now! Huh? How you like me now? I’m bopping you!” Then his heart exploded. Apparently, rabbits shouldn’t drink caffeine or alcohol. Dude should’ve known better.
Those pork chop sandwiches were good, though. It’s a shame that place went out of business. Read the rest of this entry »
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