Ask Tuffy - Episodes of love

April 15th, 2007 by Tuffy Posted in ask tuffy |

Previously posted on DeadOn; moved here for posterity.

Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…

“Dear Tuffy,

For years, I fought constantly with my co-worker. We went at each other like cat and dog. Clearly, she had a completely different personality than me. We were incompatible in every way. We were always ending up in awkward situations that made it seem we were falling madly for each other when we clearly despised each other.

Naturally, we came to respect and admire each other over time. Eventually, we gave into the primal urges and consummated our long-postponed physical attraction. Since then, we have gotten married in a ceremony that was clearly outside our financial means and left the area to be married happily ever after.

However, now we find our relationship lacks the spark our earlier fighting provided. The natural tension has left our marriage and left us without passion and, frankly, out of ideas. What can we do to bring back the excitement in our relationship?

Signed,
Lost in LA”

It’s a common complaint, LoLA. It’s hard to keep interest up after many years in the same relationship, saying the same lines repeatedly. Each episode of your life seems less vibrant and more banal. While many people can live certain events over and over again, others can’t take the idea of being stuck in the past forever.

For you, LoLA, and others out there searching for ways to keep your relationship highly-rated and well-received, I recommend these techniques:

- For centuries, couples have tried to bring the lovin’ back by adding a baby to the family. For God’s sake, don’t do this! The brat will eat up all your attention for the first year or two and then be promptly forgotten. Instead, consider adding a long-lost relative to your home. Be sure this relative is either cloyingly cute or wonderfully quirky.

- If you don’t have long-lost relatives, consider encouraging your gay friend from work to move next door.

- If you don’t have any gay friends, do you know any famous people? They could visit you for a week or two to sing and/or dance for you and perhaps give you the answers you need.

- Have you two tried going to a very special location? New locations can give the perception of freshness when it’s really the same old crap.

- If you don’t want to travel, consider acquiring a drug habit until a magical alien friend appears. You’ll forget all your other problems toot sweet.

- If you’re a Goddamned prude that doesn’t know any gay and/or famous people, won’t do drugs, won’t travel, and all your relatives hate how bland you are, no wonder she hates you. Seriously, how the hell did you score that hot chick in the first place? She’s, like, seventeen levels over you; were you rich at one point? Did a surgery go horribly wrong? Are you holding her parents in a remote location? What the…

- …sorry. Look, sorry. I know this is hard for you, too. You’re just not making it easy. Have you two tried spending a week singing the high points of that week to each other? Do you have access to a shark tank?

- Yeah, I know. That’s pretty ridiculous. Okay, look. If you’ve made it this far and haven’t been able to revive your relationship, maybe you should consider spinning her off and getting someone new to take her role in your life. If you’re going to do that, though, you’d better work fast. Considering what a milquetoast you are, she might be ready to do the same to you.