Ask Tuffy - Bad touch

July 22nd, 2007 by Tuffy Posted in ask tuffy |

Previously posted on DeadOn; moved here for posterity.

Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…

“Dear Tuffy,

I am the proud father of a two-year-old boy, my first-born. As he has learned to walk and talk, I find he is a little hug machine. He often sneak attacks me with arms outstretched. I know I should be overjoyed, but I come from a stoic family where firm handshakes were the order of the day. Hugging is not just frowned upon; it was a prelude to an intervention.

How do I learn to hug my kid so I don’t act like he’s trying to get to my spleen through my back?

Signed,
Untouched in Utah”

As always, you have come to the right place, UU. Long-time fans of Ask Tuffy will certainly remember my three World Championships in Competitive Hugging in the late 90s. Those same elephants of memory will also remember my abrupt withdrawal from the 2000 championships and subsequent denouncement of the World Embrace Tour as a vile corruption of the original inventors of the hug, the Greek philosophers Snuglus and Gropion.

Since then, I have worked tirelessly to rescue the young men and women competing on the World Embrace Tour from their treacherous clutches. Why, there has been many a night where I’ve sneaked into the dormitories of a competition, rousted an all-WET girl from her bed, and whisked her to a warm, safe place in the Tuffy compound…

I digress. Since then, I have done occasional work as a professional embrace counselor, helping people just like you, UU, deal with hug-based disorders. I teach proper technique, certainly, but I also provide the emotional foundation to approach all types of hugs, including:

• Grandma hugs
• Aunt hugs
• Mom hugs
• Stepmom hugs (aka the “cold fish”)
• Softball championship hugs
• Brotherhood-of-man hugs (degree of difficulty: high)
• First date hugs
• Last date hugs (aka the “dead and decomposing fish”)
• Modified reacharound with a quarter twist
• And so on

First, you must learn to accept the hug. The hug is an invasion of privacy, a violation of personal space. You’re letting a person in close enough to know what cheap cologne you buy by the gallon at Costco. And then there’s the touching! I certainly understand your concern.

Mostly, though, it sounds like you’re associating hugs with feminine characteristics. Since I’m not paid enough to make you more confident in your manhood, here are a few tricks to make the hug a more manly experience:

- Carry a football with you around the house. When your son approaches you for a hug, complete the act and then spike the ball ferociously and do a magnificent touchdown dance. Soon, your son will be imitating you and the hug will become a male bonding moment.

- Chest bump the other hugger after completing the embrace. Please modulate your effort, though; you could bruise your wife or send your child through the living room window with too much overcompensation.

- Put on tights and a cape, hug your target briefly, tell them you were happy to help save their kitten from the tree, and then fly off. That’s pretty masculine right there.

- Practice hugging with hookers. They’re trained professionals in intimacy and can help you work through your issues. Be sure to use this same explanation when your wife finds out.

- Slap the ass of the other hugger while hugging. This makes it slightly more like an athletic event as well. Again, be careful on this one; your wife has a nasty right hook.

- Leather chaps are very manly. Consider wearing them during extended hug sessions.

- Imagine you’re hugging George Clooney. Every man understands a Clooney hug is masculine and enviable. Don’t feel the least bit guilty about this. After all, your wife is doing the same thing.

Good luck with your hugging phobia. With any luck, your son won’t grow up to be the same emotional cripple you are. If not, you can always get him a job in talk radio.