Discover Your Future at the Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law

October 12th, 2007 by Tuffy Posted in nonsense |

Have you imagined yourself in a school where skullduggery and deception is nourished and stimulated? Where all your whining can be referred to as “billable hours”? The Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, recognizes your passion to lift your profile and succeed, hopefully at the expense of your teammates and coaches.

At the Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law, we provide law degrees* in Clubhouse Law with a variety of concentrations, from Sowing Discontent to Convicting Your Teammate in the Court of Public Opinion. We also provide extension courses in a variety of topics for beer league clubhouse paralegals.

“Come to the Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law and learn all the tricks that got me six major league ball caps in the last eight seasons of my career!” - El Presidente Orlando Cepeda (the Baby Bull himself)

The campus, located on the expansive Alou family compound (legends in the clubhouse litigation business), offers state-of-the-art clubhouse simulators with real former beat writers and ex-managers to practice new skills and test theories on. Also, the scenic views and cheap bars allow you to practice your post-game exploits as well.

“I became beloved in the whole major leagues with the redeeming social qualities of a cockroach in the middle of the breeding process, all thanks to the Alous!” - Omar Vizquel

Our unique method of portfolio assessment puts in you a small group setting and forces you to convince the reporters and teammates that you are the misunderstood genius of the locker room because you like to read books without pictures and just need a fair shake. If you sell your point of view to the assembled while knifing everyone else in the back, you pass!

“It’s not just a name; it’s a way of life. Thanks, Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law!” - Lawyer Milloy

Courses include:

• How to Tell the Beat Writer About Your Opinion and Make Him Think He Teased It Out of You
• How to Form an Opinion (remedial)
• Using the Internet to Extend Your Clientele (with Professor Curt Schilling)
• How to Avoid the Promotion to Clubhouse Cancer
• Make Your Teammates Pick Sides for Senseless Reasons
• The Boom Box: A Deconstruction (with Professor Kerry Wood)
• Your First Deal: How to Negotiate Your Trade Right From Your Locker!
• Clubhouse Ethics and How to Avoid Them
• How to Woo the Boss (team taught by Professors Jim Leyritz and Rick Cerone)
• Make Your Influence Larger Than Your Talent
• Woe Is Me: Trapped in the Losing Closet (Professor Carl Pickens’ tour de force)
• Coach’s Plan Made Me Look Bad, Not My Exquisite Hackery
• Race: The Only Card in Town! (with Professor Gary Sheffield)
• How to Turn Your Clubhouse Lawyer Pedigree into a Political Career (an honors course taught by Mayor Craig Biggio)

With a kitchen run by Master Chef (and 1990 graduate) David Wells and transportation provided by the Jeff Kent (1992 graduate) Agency, you will live in luxury’s velvety lap and get an advanced degree. Sign up now!

“With the Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law, you can get into the Baseball Hall of Fame and the Clubhouse Lawyers Hall of Fame! I would have got there sooner, but Ozzie was holding me back…” - Frank Thomas

(Note: no financial aid available. Payment due before graduation; policy enforced by 1999 graduate Michael Barrett.)

*Law degrees only valid in Dominican Republic, Venezuela, and New York City tabloids