This I Believe - Or Else

January 24th, 2008 by Tuffy Posted in nonsense |

… welcome back, loyal NPR listener. We’re in day five of the summer pledge drive. We know this is about the time the pledge drive gets a little perfunctory and dry, much like the rest of the midday coverage. ha ha! We kid Roosevelt Stevens and his Farm Report. Love you, Rosie! He hates it when we call him Rosie. ha ha.

Therefore, we’d like to give you a little Capraesque look into a future without pledge drives. Sounds great, doesn’t it? No overpriced tchotckes. No aimless banter about moral responsibilities.

By the way, did you notice a distinct lack of high-pitched tittering? Yes, the 2 am music hour is now missing a host… or will be once a missing persons report can be filed in 48 hours… but our donations have risen 14% over last year since her odd disappearance yesterday. See? We do care about you.

But back to Capra. In the vein of “It’s a Wonderful Life”, we’ve put together a sample of NPR programming without pledge drives. You may have heard “Ryan Seacrest’s Laundry List” earlier and maybe you were around this morning for “A List of Chicks Burt Reynolds Claims to Have Banged as Read by Burt Reynolds with Explicit Commentary by Burt Reynolds”. A quite disconcerting experience over breakfast, no?

Still, donations haven’t markedly increased, so maybe you think we’re not being serious about this. Maybe you think this is some kind of cute little gag we’re running. It’s not. We’re serious.

To further prove our point, we’ve asked noted comedian Carlos Mencia to tape an essay for This I Believe. As regular NPR listeners know, This I Believe is a collection of essays allowing people both famous and not-so-famous pontificate on their core beliefs in front of a paid audience. You know, like Chris Matthews but classier.

As regular listeners to this pledge drive know by now, I’m making air quotes when I say “noted comedian”.

Just as we would be forced to tell you if we skipped pledge drives, Carlos Mencia has a new book out: “Jokes I Told Milton Berle”. You can buy it at bookstores now… I guess. Now, This I Believe with Carlos Mencia.

This I believe… white people would start this bit like, ‘This I belieeeeve,’, all serious and BLEEP. Black people would start this bit like, ‘This I be all believin, yo!’ And mutes would start this bit like…

HA!

Okay, so this I believe, chica.

I believe in the soul, the BLEEP, the BLEEP, the BLEEP of a woman’s BLEEP, the hanging BLEEP balls, high fiber, good BUUUUUUUUUD LIIIIIIIGHT, that the novels of that Dummies guy are way too long. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted in ‘JFK’. I believe there ought to be a Constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP that last three days. BLEEP yeah, man!

Do you believe in miracles? Yes?

I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.

I believe in an America that is officially neither Catholic, Protestant nor Jewish so I can make fun of all you BLEEP, BLEEP, and BLEEP! Nah, I’m jus’ kiddin’. You BLEEP are great, man. You’re great.

uhm… I believe… I believe… I believe Joe Rogan can BLEEP on deez!

…how much longer? BLEEP. I can’t believe it.

I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. I think about it every night and day, spread my wings and fly away. I believe I can soar. I see me running through that open door… that closet door! You know what I’m sayin’? The one he pees behind! HA! BLEEPin BLEEP.

okay. I believe… uhm… okay.

okay.

okay. uhm. I believe… *rustling sound* *thump* *rustling* okay! okay.

I believe this manual lists the features of the UDMS16BP/HH Wireless System and takes you step-by-step through operation of the system. After reading the receiver instructions, I believe you should turn to the section of the booklet that covers the type of transmitter used with your new system. Each section will give you detailed operating instructions. I believe that within this manual are system specifications and servicing information….

We’ve got 20 more minutes of this, people. He reads the whole manual. Then the French instructions. If you don’t pick up the phone now and buy a pair of “This American Life” novelty eyeglass frames, we’ll play the rest of it. Every day. We’re not messing around here, people. Live water commissioner debate forums don’t pay for themselves. Call now.