Why We Watch - 2008 Chicago White Sox

March 10th, 2008 by Tuffy Posted in baseball, mlb, why we watch |

There’s 200 days or so of baseball to come this season and it can be quite intimidating to jump into the deep end of the baseball viewing pool.

To help, Refrigerator Logic is providing a list of reasons to watch every Major League Baseball team for the 2008 season. Anyone that’s read all the team lists should be able to pull up the MLB schedule on any day in early June and find reasons to enjoy any contest on the board that night.

Please join in the comments to add your own reasons. Tell everyone why your team is worth three and a half hours of their lives on any given day. Make us care and we’ll be there with a tasty beverage and an appreciation for what you feel each time your team takes the field.

Welcome to Ozziewood

In honor of the rash of misplaced creativity represented by Dodger Idol, Dancing with the Red Sox, and Who Wants to Buy Me a Stadium Complex, Ozzie decided to organize his own competition to set the final roster this season. Enlisting GM Kenny Williams to be his dawg and coaxing Jay Mariotti out of the house to babble incoherently and lean on his shoulder for support in very public moments, the White Sox put on a show worthy of their talent level.

Of course, we can also glean the best reasons to watch the White Sox yodel this year while checking their pipes out this spring. Also, we can see whose most embarrassing moment involves trying to hit a baseball thrown by a major league pitcher. (We’re looking at you, Pablo Ozuna.)

Say Say Say Who’s at Third

The hottest competition of the spring pits the World Series Third Baseman and the Young Buck, Joe Crede and Josh Fields. Fields claims to be ready to take over for the older and more expensive Crede, but Crede’s not ceding the bag until someone gets him his own showcase gig in another city. (Kenny Williams continues to attempt to send Crede to Los Angeles, where they’re looking for a Third Base Hero, or any other port in a storm.)

Song: An unusually aggressive duet of “The Girl is Mine”, inspired by John Legend and Stephen Colbert jumping onto the Michael Jackson nostalgia Ferris wheel, devolves into fisticuffs during the coda. Pierzynski tries to break up the fight and ends up poking both gentlemen in the eyes and kneeing Fields in the groin out of habit. All three judges love it, especially Ozzie, who gets in a few blows of his own on Mariotti.

Thanks for Visiting, Sanjaya

Charlie Haeger will possibly make the team out of spring training as a reliever, but he will likely bounce around all year from Triple-A to relief to spot starts to coffee delivery. However, he’ll take another shot at the final 25 all year with his knuckleball and his ability to chew up innings. The results will sadly be unimpressive, but it’ll be hip to watch.

Song: An imitation of Yma Sumac singing “Ave Maria” so deep that it rattles the naughty bits. Kenny gives it a tepid thumbs-up; Ozzie vomits; Jay mumbles about his pet rat Marie.

And That’s Why There’s an Age Limit

The regulars break up the competition for a few minutes by singing a few of their old standards for the assembled.  Mark Buehrle and Javier Vázquez waddle out in exaggerated hobo gear and commit to the Meet Me in St. Louis standard, “We’re a Couple of Swells”.  Those two will knock out another 200 innings or so of roughly 4.00 ERA.  An attempt by Jose Contreras to sneak in for the last refrain on their tune went badly when he forgot the lyrics and then searched his pockets for the reading glasses on his head to read the final lines.

Paul Konerko and Jim Thome belt out Queen’s “Princes of the Universe” in powerful unison; Jermaine Dye croons Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes’ “If You Don’t Know Me By Now”; A.J. brings down the house with an eerily authentic cover of Denis Leary’s novelty hit.

This Year’s Men

The newcomers then come to the stage, their spots fairly well assured for now.  Nick Swisher will bring an on-base percentage approximately one million percent better than anyone else on the squad and knows how to please the fans as only a consummate goofball… erm, professional can.

Song: The sound tech must have accepted that $20 from Swisher, because no one could understand one bit of the overamped noise coming out of the speakers or even hear each other for the next hour.  To quote famed soldier Bob Fibber when asked which song to hear, “Anything; just play it loud, okay?” Jay nearly woke up during this performance, which bodes well for Swisher’s success this year.

Orlando Cabrera knows what he has to do to move on: keep hitting the notes.  If he doesn’t hit over .300, his lousy walk rate and declining power will expose him as a below-average shortstop with declining range due to age.  No reason he can’t keep up the good work for one more year, though, so consider this the grand farewell tour until the next one.

Song: “I Write the Songs”  (”I’m young again/Even though I’m very old”) .  He can’t reach the high notes anymore, but it’s an enjoyable enough reading.  Ozzie gives it the veteran’s approval and Kenny applauds a little too loudly, evoking Citizen Kane.  Jay’s asleep under the table.

Carlos Quentin’s career diverged from its appointed path to stardom when a labrum tear healed slowly and sapped him of his strength and possibly his confidence.  He spent the latter half of 2007 languishing in the minors and will try hard to impress the crowd with a show-stopping number (assuming he can still hit the notes and/or the ball).

Song: Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)”.  Ozzie hates it when people sing Whitney.