Sir? Remember Me, Sir?

May 15th, 2008 by Tuffy Posted in baseball, mlb |

Hello?  Hello, Mr. Piniella?  Hi, this is Matt Murton.

Matt Murton. 

Ma… yes, I used to play for you.  

No, not in Tampa.  In Chicago.  Remember me from spring training?

Yes, the ginger kid.  Anyway, I just wanted to check in with you and see if you needed my help for anything around the Cubs this week.

Oh, no reason, except I heard you just hired a dead man to start in the outfield for the Cubs.  I thought maybe you forgot about us down he…

No no, sir!  No, sir.  He’s not really dead.  It’s just… he’s not very good anymore.  He hasn’t hit for years and I think his defensive range can be measured by the specs on his Rascal.

No, of course not, sir.  I mean him no offense at all.  (none, obviously.)

What?  Nothing, sir.  It’s just that I’m down here in Triple-A and I’m available to play in center or left or, y’know, whatever you need up there in Chicago.  So if you wanted a baseball player instead of an assistant coach…

… no, sir, I’m not left-handed.

Yes, I know he’s left-handed.  Sir, if you want me to be left-handed and hit as well as him, I can do that.  I can even borrow Jim Abbott’s glove if you want me to catch lefty.  

Yes, sir; I’m sorry.  That was in bad taste.  It’s just that… what do we guys down here in the minors have to do to get on the team?  You’re sending Felix back again after one bad month of being jerked around and Sean’s only back up in the rotation because Rich Hill imploded and you only played Soto last year after Michael Barrett tried to drop kick your new puppy into the broadcast booth.

Yes, sir.  

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, Mr. Piniella, sir.  I look forward to hearing from you.