Tuffy’s Refrigerator Logic

Previously posted on DeadOn; moved here for posterity.

Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…

“Dear Tuffy,

I am the proud father of a two-year-old boy, my first-born. As he has learned to walk and talk, I find he is a little hug machine. He often sneak attacks me with arms outstretched. I know I should be overjoyed, but I come from a stoic family where firm handshakes were the order of the day. Hugging is not just frowned upon; it was a prelude to an intervention.

How do I learn to hug my kid so I don’t act like he’s trying to get to my spleen through my back?

Signed,
Untouched in Utah”

As always, you have come to the right place, UU. Long-time fans of Ask Tuffy will certainly remember my three World Championships in Competitive Hugging in the late 90s. Those same elephants of memory will also remember my abrupt withdrawal from the 2000 championships and subsequent denouncement of the World Embrace Tour as a vile corruption of the original inventors of the hug, the Greek philosophers Snuglus and Gropion. (more…)

Previously posted on DeadOn; moved here for posterity.

Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…

“Dear Tuffy,

I have recently lost my job. Actually, I didn’t misplace my job so much as it was taken from me forcefully. I know I should be out looking for a new job, but I can’t even get out of bed some days. What can I do to get back into the job hunt?

Signed,
Moping in Milwaukee”

Don’t fret, Mo. Your predicament is all too common these days, what with the globalization and the immigration and the boogeyman and all that. Therefore, I’ve developed a program that will help you become gainfully employed again without having to leave your home. You will have to leave your bed, though; bedpans are messy and unsanitary. (more…)

Previously posted on DeadOn; moved here for posterity.

Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…

It has come to the attention of Ask Tuffy that a pretender to the throne has arisen under the cover of darkness. Apparently, the Wisconsin Humane Society has chosen to hitch their success to my star by naming their Eastern Screech Owl after yours truly and giving him a column.

Clearly, this tiny asio thinks he can flutter into my territory. You try to roll with the biped mammals and you better be ready to nurse your young and your wounds, Hootie and Your Column Blows. I’ll show you how we treat animals humanely around here, with the emphasis on human. As in, “we’re the humans; you can leave filling the inches to us and concentrate on blocking logging projects.”

This bird has clearly stolen my readers’ questions and tried pitifully to answer them, making the Hamlet monkeys seem productive and efficient. To treat my readers as they should be, I will reclaim my questions and answer them with all the skill a hairy bastard can bring to bear. (Bear, as in “we mammals stick together, so keep your head on a swivel, owl boy.”)

Does Tuffy like the bunny Fufu and pork chop sandwiches?
~Michele

Hey, Michele. Yeah, I once had a party where I invited Fufu over and we did have pork chop sandwiches as part of the catering. Here’s all you need to know about Fufu: dude can’t hold his liquor. After a couple Red Bull and vodkas, he was bouncing all over the place and shouting, “I will bop your heads now! Huh? How you like me now? I’m bopping you!” Then his heart exploded. Apparently, rabbits shouldn’t drink caffeine or alcohol. Dude should’ve known better.

Those pork chop sandwiches were good, though. It’s a shame that place went out of business. (more…)

Previously posted on DeadOn; moved here for posterity.

Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…

“Dear Tuffy,

For years, I fought constantly with my co-worker. We went at each other like cat and dog. Clearly, she had a completely different personality than me. We were incompatible in every way. We were always ending up in awkward situations that made it seem we were falling madly for each other when we clearly despised each other.

Naturally, we came to respect and admire each other over time. Eventually, we gave into the primal urges and consummated our long-postponed physical attraction. Since then, we have gotten married in a ceremony that was clearly outside our financial means and left the area to be married happily ever after.

However, now we find our relationship lacks the spark our earlier fighting provided. The natural tension has left our marriage and left us without passion and, frankly, out of ideas. What can we do to bring back the excitement in our relationship?

Signed,
Lost in LA”

It’s a common complaint, LoLA. It’s hard to keep interest up after many years in the same relationship, saying the same lines repeatedly. Each episode of your life seems less vibrant and more banal. While many people can live certain events over and over again, others can’t take the idea of being stuck in the past forever.

For you, LoLA, and others out there searching for ways to keep your relationship highly-rated and well-received, I recommend these techniques: (more…)

Previously posted on DeadOn; moved here for posterity.

Wherein Tuffy helps the needy and oblivious for cash and prizes…

“Dear Tuffy,

I have an eight-year-old daughter and I’m worried she is exposed to too much sex and violence in the music on the radio. Worse, I don’t understand the slang in the songs these days; I’m afraid she’s hearing filth. What do I do? I don’t want to turn off the radio – how long can you talk to an eight-year-old before you bang your head on the steering wheel?

Signed,
Reneé Acton”

Mrs. Acton, your fears would be warranted if your precocious child was born when you were in the dark old days of popular music. In those days, Prince or Devo or Captain and Tennille could sing vile lyrics about disgusting acts without repercussions. While those same disgusting acts helped create your child, they are not appropriate for your child. (more…)