Tuffy’s Refrigerator Logic

So Matt Sussman rings me on the Interrotron 3000 yesterday evening. After exchanging pleasantries and speaking ill of our enemies, he slyly notes, “Your boy Colt Brennan appears to be having trouble with a system of playing other good players.”

Clearly, Colt’s been struggling since everyone else bailed on the Senior Bowl, making him actually work out this week in front of the scouts. (By the way, how does the esteemed board that runs the Senior Bowl determine which team Colt plays on: North or South? Is it a coin flip? Islander vote? Eminent domain?)

To quote the SI piece:

Brennan’s inadequate arm strength is obvious to all in attendance. His passes lack any velocity which gives the defensive backs extra time to break up his throws, something that’s been a common occurrence.

To this point, the only impediment to his throws has been the legal system. I mean, who would have thought Colt Brennan would be a one trick pony in a system specially designed for him thousands of miles from scouts that could only review grainy tapes taken with old cameras left over from Hawaii Five-O filming? (June Jones was serious when he said the U of HI athletics budget was piddling.)

Sussman continued. “He keeps throwing underneath. Nobody’s there.”

I chimed in, “That’s a real damned shame.” For you see, Colt’s not my boy. Suss is just yanking my chain; he knows I’d rather see Brennan pumping gas than double-pumping. I’m sensitive like that.

Tell me more, Sussman. “He can too make all the throws! They’re just using an inferior list that doesn’t include and is limited to: checkdown, lateral, bubble screen, dumpoff, shovel pass, 5-yard out, 10-yard out, off a Georgia Bulldog’s helmet…”

“…sleep, alcohol, co-ed, and combinations of the above are his best passes, yesno?” I add.

Sussman nods through the virtual Interrotron 3000 emotive features (now with more emoting!). “His best pass? Out. ‘Waiwaiwait. I can make this throw. here, everyone grab a paper flower necklace. then I can make the throw.’”

At this point, I realize the true flaw in Colt Brennan’s game. It’s not his weak arm or weak constitution or never having to face his sins. “I know his Kryptonite, Suss: the contiguous United States. When he’s outside the lower 48, he’s unstoppable. CFL, here he comes!”

Sussman makes a good point: “Team Guam could use a signal caller.” I think we all remember their last game.

Me? I’m rooting for the Bikini Atoll Mutants to draft him early. Someone that radioactive should fit in nicely there.