Here’s a clear shot from the daily Ice Machine, with crystal blue linkage of stories that will refresh you during your lunch break (since this isn’t likely to be a morning feature for the next two weeks):

Normally, we provide multiple links in this space, providing a bit of a pick-me-up/simple distraction.  However, we can only think of one topic today, so we beg your indulgence: Doug Collins is the new head coach of the Chicago Bulls, according to the Chicago Tribune.  Yes, he’s also the old head coach before Jordan forced him out.  

We have come to a deeply disheartening view of the Bulls and of all Chicago sports we wish to share with you now.  We highly recommend sitting down and consuming a calming beverage of your choice before continuing.

To wit: The Chicago Blackhawks are the most innovative sports franchise in Chicago today.

The Chicago Bulls have selected two high-strung defensive-minded coaches with short coaching life spans in a row.  They will select Michael Beasley in the draft because big men are always drafted when possible because That’s the Way It Is.  There will be grit and determination and heart and Derrick Rose will become the second point guard to leave Chicago and become a star in Miami.  (Star Jones has cleared her schedule in 2011.)

The Chicago Cubs installed Jim Edmonds in center field.  Their business innovations have involved allowing their head of marketing to be stolen by the Blackhawks (along with his key lieutenants) while trying to sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field, which is an incredibly old and played-out idea.  Their drafts have been unremarkable, highlighted by an attempt to draft a Notre Dame wide receiver because he throws so darned hard and isn’t that sexy?

The most creative thought held by a Cubs official in the last few years has been to try to sell Wrigley Field to the state to handle all the upgrades.  However, “highway robbery” has a long tradition unto itself.

The Chicago White Sox had a case to move to the head of the class in 2005 and possibly 2006, but now they are repeating the same mistakes in the draft and on the field without any self-awareness.  They would still win this anemic competition for their Carlos Quentin fixation last winter, which showed the ability to project past the problems and towards the solutions.

The Chicago Bears… if anyone has broken the key and deduced their plan involving building an offense or keeping an aging defense functional, please contact us by calling the station.  Thanks for your time.  (Also, we liked their recent draft, but we don’t know if we’d call it mold-breaking.  Their marketing has been yeoman-like but not exceptional.  They’re just… y’know… there.)

However, the Chicago Blackhawks have truly stepped forward in the last 12-18 months into solid competency.  The on-ice product has improved and shows signs of continuing to do so.  The off-ice marketing has proved at least interesting, with cross-sport promotion between the baseball teams in town and the Blackhawks.  Their games are on television, for crying out loud.  The new commercials have been well-focused and thoughtfully positioned.  They’re the only franchise in the city with organic buzz not built from getting really really lucky with ping-pong balls in a way that doesn’t involve Winona Ryder.

We could also argue the Chicago Fire have shown better innovation, especially with the Blanco signing, but their front office disarray and loss of goalkeepers leaves us uncertain at the moment.  Consider this an incomplete grade.

Therefore, we can only conclude the Wirtz-led franchise leads the pack in innovation.  The other franchises may succeed with their actions, but it will not be because they chose the right path after carefully considering many thoughtful and/or pioneering options.  It will be because they worked the checklist of What Should Be Done pathologically and got lucky.  That’s as entertaining as trainspotting.  (No, not that kind.)

Our Question of the Day should be obvious by now: What’s your choice for the most innovative sports franchise in Chicago today?

(Plenty of room in my boat, ladies; no need to fight)

Benson was arrested for drinking and driving a boat, showing creativity previously unknown for the young man. He also was charged for resisting arrest. We suspect he tried to get away, but he could only make it a few yards before being pulled in. And to this point, he’s only run like he was underwater. How things change in the offseason…

(Cedric Benson likes to drive boats everywhere)

Bears fans can only say, “Thank you, Cedric. Thanks for giving Jerry Angelo a cheap reason to not let you back into training camp and giving the job to the next poor sucker. Much appreciated.”

Cleveland Indians fans, though, would like to beat the snot out of you. Hopefully, your family will complete the honor for them.

Also, there’s no podcast tonight as absolutely nothing happened last weekend. (Actually, both hosts are on the road, but the former makes us sound properly jaded like sportswriters should be.)

“Of course, he’s just happy to be here, right?”

“You bet. Higgins there has had a rough time of it and it’s truly inspirational that he’s here today in the Super Bowl. He’s suffered quite a bit of loss and really could have given up at any time. Still, he’s managed to stay focused on football and reached the biggest stage in football.”

“You can see he’s got a tattoo there in the replay; the tattoo says, ‘Margie 4eva’. That’s for his grandmother, Marjorie, who passed away on a stayover visit when he was five. Poor woman passed away in her sleep, thankfully, but he was the first one to find her in the morning.”

“So sad. And that’s a first down incompletion to Solstein. A little high on that throw. Which brings us back to Higgins. One of his other tattoos is for his father, who fell off the family roof when Higgins was 11. He was holding the ladder for his father when the elder Higgins fell while cleaning gutters. It must be horrifying to see that happen as a young kid.”

“Oh, so true, but he says that he’s really inspired by the courage his father showed that day and it drives him every day. You have to be made of stone not to be moved by that. He keeps a tattoo of a Chinese character that roughly means ‘honorable Father’ on his neck to always spur him to keep his head up high.”

“Speaking of stone, that’s another incompletion to Solstein as the ball bounces off his hands. Definitely feeling the Super Bowl pressure; he’s dropped three passes already in this big game.”

“Which brings us back to Higgins again, whose sister died in an unfortunate choking incident when she was left alone for just a moment by her harried single mother and suffocated on six crayons. That had to be heart wrenching for that kid to lose his sister like that. He wears a tattoo for her on his left bicep and flexes it for her after each block. It reminds him to be strong for her.”

“Oh… it’s almost as heart wrenching as it is for his coach to watch Solstein earn a false start on that play, setting his team back five yards. You hate to see that from a wide receiver.”

“While we’re waiting for the next play, can you get a closeup on Higgins’ tattoo for his mother? It’s just peeking out of the top of his jersey and covers most of his chest. Yes… there it is. You can see a little of it there.”

“Didn’t she have terminal cancer?”

“Indeed she did, but she passed away from an accidental overdose on her cancer medication. Apparently, she had become so ill that Higgins down there had been helping her prepare her medicines and he made a simple mistake on the dosage. That’s so much responsibility for one boy; it’s still unfortunate he had to be part of that when it wasn’t his fault.”

“The judge agreed as well, thankfully, clearing him to return to classes and the football field. Say, Higgins really does have a lot of tattoos, doesn’t he?”

“Indeed, he has suffered quite a bit of loss. Two aunts, a grandfather, his high school head coach and high school sweetheart, two assistant coaches at college, his first agent, and one of the ballboys for this team have all passed away and had a deep emotional impact on Higgins. He’s added their names to his wailing wall of skin and honors their collective memories in this Super Bowl game.”

“Nice allusion.”

“Thanks, I worked on that one for awhile… and oh! Solstein will be working that one off for awhile! He almost held onto that crossing pass but was leveled, dropping it and any chance at the first down! It’s fourth and long and it’ll be time to punt.”

“Higgins is really fired up! Look at him channel his passion for the game! He’s really letting Solstein have it while Solstein tries to shake off that hit.  You can really see the fire in his eyes.”

“What’s he doing now?”

“John Paul Higgins has pulled down his left sock… he seems to be pointing at one of his tattoos so Solstein can see. Oh, you have to love that kind of passion on this stage! He’s probably pumping up Solstein when he’s down by telling him about one of his lost loved ones and how he finds the will to try again after he hits a rough patch.”

“Are you sure he’s not pointing at that tiny bare spot on his lower leg before he points at Solstein again?”

“No, I’m sure he’s pointing at one of those tattoos. Hey, here’s a reminder that each punt is sponsored by TD Waterhouse, who ask, ‘What’s your current field position?’ Call TD Waterhouse now for a review of your finances…”

Two more Super Bowl items after the jump…

Also, tune in tonight to Treehouse Fort for a Super Bowl preview like many others. We’ll also talk Santana, Magic Johnson, Chris Berman, and everything else about the 70s. Bring your disco albums and we’ll bust ‘em up!

Clearly, Colt’s been struggling since everyone else bailed on the Senior Bowl, making him actually work out this week in front of the scouts. (By the way, how does the esteemed board that runs the Senior Bowl determine which team Colt plays on: North or South? Is it a coin flip? Islander vote? Eminent domain?)

To quote the SI piece:

Brennan’s inadequate arm strength is obvious to all in attendance. His passes lack any velocity which gives the defensive backs extra time to break up his throws, something that’s been a common occurrence.

To this point, the only impediment to his throws has been the legal system. I mean, who would have thought Colt Brennan would be a one trick pony in a system specially designed for him thousands of miles from scouts that could only review grainy tapes taken with old cameras left over from Hawaii Five-O filming? (June Jones was serious when he said the U of HI athletics budget was piddling.)

Sussman continued. “He keeps throwing underneath. Nobody’s there.”

I chimed in, “That’s a real damned shame.” For you see, Colt’s not my boy. Suss is just yanking my chain; he knows I’d rather see Brennan pumping gas than double-pumping. I’m sensitive like that.

Tell me more, Sussman. “He can too make all the throws! They’re just using an inferior list that doesn’t include and is limited to: checkdown, lateral, bubble screen, dumpoff, shovel pass, 5-yard out, 10-yard out, off a Georgia Bulldog’s helmet…”

“…sleep, alcohol, co-ed, and combinations of the above are his best passes, yesno?” I add.

Sussman nods through the virtual Interrotron 3000 emotive features (now with more emoting!). “His best pass? Out. ‘Waiwaiwait. I can make this throw. here, everyone grab a paper flower necklace. then I can make the throw.’”

At this point, I realize the true flaw in Colt Brennan’s game. It’s not his weak arm or weak constitution or never having to face his sins. “I know his Kryptonite, Suss: the contiguous United States. When he’s outside the lower 48, he’s unstoppable. CFL, here he comes!”

Sussman makes a good point: “Team Guam could use a signal caller.” I think we all remember their last game.

Me? I’m rooting for the Bikini Atoll Mutants to draft him early. Someone that radioactive should fit in nicely there.