Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity
Gentlemen and fair-minded ladies, ABC has green-lighted the import of a very popular British television series. I recommend you find ways to selectively disable your television function and/or reception before this fall.
“But why?” you ask. “Why, brilliant and deceptively handsome Tuffy? I have grown fond of the soft and warm glow that television affords me, replacing the hard-earned affections of family and acquaintances with its reassuring lessons of smugness, fairness, and rough sex.”
“Also, Tuffy, it’s not like this is the first British import to pollute our shores. We survived Archie Bunker, Sanford, and that funny virgin-y guy in an office. Certainly, this is nothing our feckless American television executives can’t polish into a shiny prime-time turd.”
Oh, dear reader, how I wish I could return to feeling as you do, wrapped in the safe electric blanket of UHF, VHF, and co-ax. Nay, I come to you today as a portent of evil for our well-meaning progenitors have delivered unto these shores…a football soap opera.
TV Squad, a Web site that calls to me like the voice of God, has warned me that this is intended to be a bookend for Desperate Housewives. Now you understand the danger. See me. Feel me. Touch me. Heal me.
This is not the show to bring men and women together under one television show, divisible by none, amen. I present you with Wikipedia-scripted warnings from the British soccer-based version (sweet, sweet spoilers follow):
On the night of one of Tanya’s and Frank’s steamy rendezvous, Frank injures Tanya, who then locks herself away in the bathroom. Enter Jason, who sees what Frank has done to his wife and goes berserk. But one blow to Frank’s head causes him to remember everything. Memories from the night he went into a coma come flooding back to Frank…
…Meanwhile, things are far from perfect for Kyle and his wife Chardonnay. The soon-to-be-married couple’s relationship goes downhill during page 3 pin-up Chardonnay’s night out with the girls – some rowdy rival football hooligans set fire to her chest…
…He hires a private detective to track down Nurse Dunkley, Frank’s nurse who sexually abused him while he was in his coma…
…Noah is badly beaten by homophobic fans of the losing team…
…Tanya and Amber both had Conrad’s babies; Tanya swapped the babies at birth to hide that hers might have been Frank’s, but this backfired when Amber’s son (Tanya’s, really) was smothered to death by Amber’s dog.
Heed my word and find a method to convince your loved ones that your television simply will not work for at least one hour per week. Suggestions include:
* HDTV (no one understands it properly; use plenty of acronyms and alphanumeric combinations like “My 1080p conked out when the HDMI and the R2D2 went K-9″)
* Lightning storms
* Snow storms
* Confetti storms
* Religion (the perfect time to find religion is to avoid this show)
* Football is on.
This is the cruelest blow; if it’s the perfect bookend with Desperate Housewives, there is every chance this show will be the obstacle to Sunday Night Football. If this happens, may your deity have mercy on you. Failing that, bite down on the cyanide tablet attached to the bottom of this post.
