Ice Machine - Old and Busted

May 29th, 2008 by Tuffy

Here’s a clear shot from the daily Ice Machine, with crystal blue linkage of stories that will refresh you during your lunch break (since this isn’t likely to be a morning feature for the next two weeks):

Normally, we provide multiple links in this space, providing a bit of a pick-me-up/simple distraction.  However, we can only think of one topic today, so we beg your indulgence: Doug Collins is the new head coach of the Chicago Bulls, according to the Chicago Tribune.  Yes, he’s also the old head coach before Jordan forced him out.  

We have come to a deeply disheartening view of the Bulls and of all Chicago sports we wish to share with you now.  We highly recommend sitting down and consuming a calming beverage of your choice before continuing.

To wit: The Chicago Blackhawks are the most innovative sports franchise in Chicago today.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in baseball, basketball, football, hockey, mlb, nba, nfl, nhl, soccer | 4 Comments »

Cedric Benson Loves Water in All Forms; Still Hates Responsibility

May 4th, 2008 by Tuffy

As found by the ubiquitous MDS (the hardest working man in blog business - read 10 of his articles today and get a free oil change done by MDS himself) at Pro Football Talk, Cedric Benson was arrested last night on a Texas lake by the Texas Park and Wildlife and Lower Colorado River Association. (Yes, they have officers of the law. Yes, we suspect we’d rather take a beating from a parking violations cop.)

(Plenty of room in my boat, ladies; no need to fight)

Benson was arrested for drinking and driving a boat, showing creativity previously unknown for the young man. He also was charged for resisting arrest. We suspect he tried to get away, but he could only make it a few yards before being pulled in. And to this point, he’s only run like he was underwater. How things change in the offseason…
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Posted in college football, football, nfl | No Comments »

Sports Gastronomy: A Recipe for the Heartbroken NFL Fan

February 11th, 2008 by Tuffy

Today in Tuffy History: I show that I really know how to whore myself out to search engines by casually dropping phrases like “Brillat-Savarin”, “field of gastronomy”, and “fondue recipe”. I have no shame and neither should you. (Thanks to the inspiration for my piece.)

Also, there’s no podcast tonight as absolutely nothing happened last weekend. (Actually, both hosts are on the road, but the former makes us sound properly jaded like sportswriters should be.)

Posted in football, nfl | 1 Comment »

SalesGenie.com Brings Unusual Diversity to Super Bowl Ads

February 4th, 2008 by Tuffy

Today in Tuffy History: I explored the SalesGenie.com ads with a bit of vitriol.  Gallon jugs of vitriol.

Posted in football, nfl | 3 Comments »

An Especially Inspirational Super Bowl Story

February 3rd, 2008 by Tuffy

de_3976.jpg“And that’s a first down for Higgins, the fourth tight end. A rare reception for Higgins, who is mostly used in blocking assignments.”

“Of course, he’s just happy to be here, right?”

“You bet. Higgins there has had a rough time of it and it’s truly inspirational that he’s here today in the Super Bowl. He’s suffered quite a bit of loss and really could have given up at any time. Still, he’s managed to stay focused on football and reached the biggest stage in football.”

“You can see he’s got a tattoo there in the replay; the tattoo says, ‘Margie 4eva’. That’s for his grandmother, Marjorie, who passed away on a stayover visit when he was five. Poor woman passed away in her sleep, thankfully, but he was the first one to find her in the morning.”

“So sad. And that’s a first down incompletion to Solstein. A little high on that throw. Which brings us back to Higgins. One of his other tattoos is for his father, who fell off the family roof when Higgins was 11. He was holding the ladder for his father when the elder Higgins fell while cleaning gutters. It must be horrifying to see that happen as a young kid.”

“Oh, so true, but he says that he’s really inspired by the courage his father showed that day and it drives him every day. You have to be made of stone not to be moved by that. He keeps a tattoo of a Chinese character that roughly means ‘honorable Father’ on his neck to always spur him to keep his head up high.”

“Speaking of stone, that’s another incompletion to Solstein as the ball bounces off his hands. Definitely feeling the Super Bowl pressure; he’s dropped three passes already in this big game.” Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in football, nfl, nonsense | 1 Comment »

Undisclosed Location Photos - #3 in a Series

February 1st, 2008 by Tuffy

Super Bowl Edition!

img_0110.jpg
Who wants it more? Not this graphic designer. Apparently, she just wanted it enough to clear Permissions and Marketing. Way to give 110%, Cheryl.

Two more Super Bowl items after the jump… Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in football, nfl | 2 Comments »

The REAL Super Bowl Mayoral Wager

February 1st, 2008 by Tuffy

Today in Tuffy History: I take on the mayor of East Rutherford, NJ, in a deadly game of Chutes and Ladders. (A Quinn Martin Production.)

Also, tune in tonight to Treehouse Fort for a Super Bowl preview like many others. We’ll also talk Santana, Magic Johnson, Chris Berman, and everything else about the 70s. Bring your disco albums and we’ll bust ‘em up!

Posted in football, nfl, podcast | No Comments »

Leaving New Orleans

January 10th, 2008 by Tuffy

New Orleans, baby, we heard about your good news!  The Hornets are stickin’ ’round for awhile. Of course, there’s an out clause after next season that would let them leave with a little cash.  So… y’know, don’t get a shared checking account or let the Hornets take nude photos of you yet.
But hey, New Orleans!  Mardi Gras!  Great cultural history!  Local color that makes the rainbow feel shame!  Booze and beads!  Who doesn’t love New Orleans?
… uhm, the Saints?  Sure, they have a lease that doesn’t have an out until 2010, but you probably shouldn’t hold your breath past that.  San Antonio can’t stop taking the Saints’ calls just to meet at a coffee shop and talk about the Saints’ problems, y’know?  In other words, don’t buy a house with the Saints.  You’ll just be selling at a loss in a couple years.
Hey, I know it’s not a pro team, but LSU!  National champs!  College football is *like* a pro team, really.  You can’t feel badly about that!  And they’ve got Louisiana in the name of the school.  They can’t leave!
Unfortunately, “Les Miles” has no reference to New Orleans or Louisiana in his name.  The next pro job with full personnel control (that Pete Carroll turns down) is his.
This is probably the last dance, kids.  But there’s no shame in not having a pro team, New Orleans.  You’re still New Orleans!  Love you!  Ain’t nothin’ like you in America and a pro team didn’t change that.  We’ll still drop by for a quickie every few years when we’re there on business.  Stay cool.
My Very First Notes (this week)
The Pope wants the youth of Italy to learn from footie.
I only see two pertinent lessons for Italian youth:
- When your enemy makes contact with you, flop around until God steps in to smite your enemy for sinning.
- Jesus gave his life for your sins, but Luciano Moggi charges much less.

Posted in basketball, college football, football, nba, nfl | 1 Comment »

Why Not Phone It In? An NFL Sideline Conundrum

November 26th, 2007 by Tuffy

Today in Tuffy History: I transcribed Andrea Kremer’s revenge fantasies, improved workplace morale at ESPN, and bruised Bill Belichick’s tailbone.

Posted in football, media, nfl | No Comments »

To Bob Kraft, Human Winning Machine

November 19th, 2007 by Tuffy

Today in Tuffy History: I noted that Bob Kraft had a pretty good day Sunday.  Also, I started my four columns-per-week schedule; let the countdown to RSI surgery begin.

Posted in football, nfl, soccer | No Comments »

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