Tuffy’s Refrigerator Logic

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

First Quarter
Bears 7 – Buccaneers 0

Tampa Bay’s film study must have been compiled by this man, for they’ve let the Bears march down the field using the run game and hitting the tight ends and running backs for short passes. Rex Grossman hasn’t really thrown the ball deep yet. They’re also kicking to Devin Hester instead of flinging the ball to the sidelines and begging for mercy.

Also, it appears someone didn’t read his self-review; the Buccaneers offense is slightly more conservative than Justice Souter at the moment. Due to the technological advances that modern sports coverage has brought us in the last 20 years, you can actually hear Gradkowski’s sphincter clench before each snap.

Thankfully, the Bears are able to slip an instant replay challenge in before the quarter ends.

Second Quarter
Bears 21 – Buccaneers 3

Rex Grossman is back to floating long passes out, hoping for a pass interference call or divine intervention. A fairly amusing special teams penalty against the Bears (hint: the boundary stripe is not a takeoff strip for the flyer) sets the Buccaneers up for business at the 26 yard line, but the Bucs offense comes alive to the tune of -1 yards. Tim Rattay starts warming up. At least Bruce will have time to update his report. (Oh, and his résumé.)

The Buccaneers kick it off to the 35 to specifically avoid Hester but don’t tackle the Bears’ special team member until the 45. They might be better off kicking it out of bounds. The Bears follow the same intricate battle plan (run, run, Desmond Clark, run) to best effect, letting Thomas Jones finish ‘er off. Jones then tosses it in the stands to a man in his late 20s wearing the execrable orange Bears shirt that has become popular in these parts. This fan’s celebration of the gift is positively magical.

Tim Rattay is in. Gradkowski didn’t turn the ball over, mostly because he averaged 8 yards per completed pass, which he did less than half the time. It’s possible that clenching sound I heard in the first quarter was Jon Gruden’s jaw.

Near the end of the half, Daryl Johnston compares Rex Grossman to a Longfellow poem:

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad, she was horrid.

Fox throws to commercial to prevent the Earth’s axis from being altered by a football analyst reciting poetry from memory.

The Bears tack on a two-minute drill touchdown that is completed the same way the rest of the half went: short passes, runs, and Desmond Clark in the end zone. Nice spitcurl, Superman.

Third Quarter
Bears 24 – Buccaneers 10

Hey, did you know Mike Alstott is still in the league? (Does Mike Alstott realize he’s still in the league?)

Tim Rattay hits Josh Bidwell in the back of the head with a lead pass. Unfortunately, Bidwell is the punter. And 10 yards out of bounds.

Tampa Bay, here’s when you know it’s over: Olin Kreutz, the Bears center, is getting retaliation penalties and pointing at the scoreboard. The Bucs defense signs Mardy Collins for the second half.

The Tim Rattay Show finds the end zone for the first time this year on a very long drive, punctuated by me taking a nap for most of it. Alstott scored the TD to try to make me look like an ass. Don’t need the help, Mike. According to Fox, Alstott also scored the last offensive TD for the Buccaneers….three weeks ago.

Devin Hester falls from heaven, fumbling the kickoff to the Buccaneers at the 20. I’m awake now.

Fourth Quarter
Bears 31 – Buccaneers 31

Second play of the fourth quarter takes advantage of the turnover, causing my sphincter to clench a bit.

The Bears Respond. The drive is marked by multiple throws to the fullback, numerous runs by Benson (including the scoring play), and smart offensive calls by Ron Turner that limit the number of decisions Grossman has to make and how much time he needs to make them.

Fox has been putting up pictures and quotes about Lamar Hunt, but they’ve never explained who he was to younger viewers. Lost opportunity.

Tampa Bay commits its first turnover of the game (!) and you can feel free to check on your loved ones and order another pizza in preparation for the late game.

WHY WON’T YOU DIE? Joey Galloway runs a very long way on a very lucky pass. Ike Hilliard follows and it’s tied.

Overtime
Bears 34 – Buccaneers 31

Over. Fucking. Time. Tampa Bay wins the toss and will receive.

Tampa Bay swallows their own tongues almost immediately, allowing the natural order to return. The Buccaneers fumble and then a Buc player throws his helmet to the ground petulantly for a 15-yard penalty. Yet again, instant replay causes us to question all we know for another five minutes. Finally, the ruling stands.

The Bears then repeat the sensation by missing a 37-yard field goal. A proctologist with the Jaws of Life could not open my sphincter right now.

The Bears prevent the Bucs from getting outside their own 20, take the punt to mid-field, and get within field goal range on a Davis catch and a Peterson run. A 25-yard field goal then clinches the game and home field advantage during the postseason. If I had known The Tim Rattay Show was so formidable, I would have counterprogrammed better.

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

First, I’d like to thank all of you for this kind honor. While I find the work rewarding unto itself, it’s certainly wonderful to be recognized. (And to Kissing Suzy Kolber: In. Your. FACE.)

As your newly-selected spokesperson for the planet, I want you to know I take this responsibility gravely and will do my level best to continue supporting your needs. I am here for you, little people. Now please stand and be chosen to hear the Word; it’s not necessary to genuflect constantly. Occasionally is quite sufficient.

First, I choose you, Bruce Gradkowski. You will be facing the Chicago Bears defense today. You will probably be far too busy this evening finding reasons to keep living to remember you have a status report to file when you get back in the office Monday. To assist you, I have written your status report for you before the game starts; you can file this before game time and have nothing to worry about but the game at hand.


Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football Club
One Buccaneer Place
Tampa, FL 33607

To: P. Hackett
Cc: Jo. Gruden

Quarterback Self-Review – Week 15

I. Executive Summary
My performance against the Chicago Bears in Week 15 showed both promise and improvement despite unexpected setbacks that were both impossible to predict and unavoidable. This type of steady progress reflects my hard work and personal drive to represent the Buccaneers organization proudly.

II. Project Description
i. Preparation
To prepare to face the best pass defense and overall defense in the National Football League this year, I worked with the Film Department and the Quarterbacks Coach to analyze the opposition. As you know, I have had well-documented issues differentiating between those players with the Buccaneers organization and those who compete against us. I am pleased to report I had no such issues during film study this week; I could even tell the players apart at half-speed, no longer seeing them all as blurs. I must also report that my choking sobs and panic attacks have returned, though the quality of the opposition should be considered.

Also, I participated with the first team offense again during practice. Most of the offensive line has learned my name and stopped referring to me as ‘Ground Chuck’. Anthony Davis continues to refer to me as ‘Ground Bruce’, but the others have remembered that I do not respond well to that name.

ii. Execution
The game did not go quite as planned, despite copious preparation. We discovered the Bears defense functioned adequately despite the loss of many starters. My congenital disorder that causes me to soil myself when chased by very large men did affect me again twice in the first quarter, for which I have submitted restitution forms to cover the cost of cleaning and hazardous waste removal.

Also, I continue to improve on working under full-speed game conditions. I only curled into the fetal position three times in the first half, a new personal record and a tribute to the strength and conditioning staff’s recommendation to stop working the abdominal region as much. (I believe the assistant said it best: “You can stop trying now.” It really helped me focus on the other aspects of my position.)

Despite reports to the contrary, the fumble at 6:47 in the second quarter did not occur because I squealed, flipped the ball to a defensive lineman, and yelled, “Not in the face!” None of these actions occurred; I am insulted that Fox Sports would find it amusing to overdub this scurrilous lie during the halftime score review.

It should also be noted that 31 of the 37 passes not caught by members of the Receiving Department were considered ‘drops’ by this group and should be referred to Receiving for explanation. (The other six were successfully caught by Bears defenders, showing my improvement on spirals.)

Finally, I now understand that the Victory formation should only be called when we are winning. Also, it should never be called in the third quarter on three consecutive plays. This was a simple miscommunication and not cowardice, as implied by Tony Siragusa during the television broadcast.

III. Steps for Improvement
I will continue to focus on learning the playbook, facing the correct direction, and throwing the football to members of the Receiving Department on the fly. Also, I will look into the recommendation of many Buccaneers fans that I pursue a real estate license in the off-season; I assume this will help me locate members of the Receiving Department more easily.

I look forward to receiving your reviews and serving the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football Club again next week.

Sincerely,
Bruce Gradkowski
Senior Quarterback Engineer – Quarterbacks Department
Tampa Bay Buccaneers Football Club

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

Looking back at my keen analysis of the Bears’ performance during the game, I can safely say I have no fucking idea how well they’ll play from hour to hour, much less week to week. However, the Bears can look forward to the following storylines in the morning:

Hey, how about those Bears? That Rex Grossman is pretty damned good! Told you so.

Hey, how about those Bears? Playing well against bad teams and putting off the inevitable quarterback change is just going to screw the Bears in the playoffs. Soon, I’ll be saying, “I told you so.”

You are welcome to be bored by the status quo above. Instead, remember the heart rate spikes provided by Devin Hester and the soul-separating hits by the Bears defense. For all their faults, the Bears will be awfully exciting to watch this January. See you all there.

(Except you, St. Louis. Ciao.)

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

Another pounding series of runs; another touchdown. The Raiders ought to inquire about the availability of Joe Fan to be offensive coordinator next weekend. (Take the job, Joe Fan; the Raiders are playing the Rams.) Anyone with an early morning tomorrow is dismissed with the blog’s thanks. 35-13 Bears.

Update #1: The Bears are beaten again on another long drive, but to what extent? What does it *mean*, dammit?

I don’t know; I didn’t bet the points. 35-20 Bears.

Update #2: When you watch Devin Hester’s second TD of the night tomorrow morning, watch how casually he begins his run. It’s fait accompli. He just knows and, as we watch, we just know. Those first two steps looked like my first dozen or so in the gym each morning. He trudged, I swear it. Then the third step hits and his hips shimmy to life and you just *know* you’re scoring tonight and it’s only a matter of time.

I need a moment. 42-20 Bears.

Update #3: The Bears defense is already standing in the security line at Lambert. 42-27 Bears.

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

The Bears do their best imitation of the Rams offense, biting off chewable portions and jamming the ball into the end zone via Thomas Jones. 21-13 Bears.

Why Joe Fan Thinks He Can Run a Professional Football Offense, Reason #49823749:

Tony: “Joe, what did the Bears change at halftime? What did they adjust?”
Joe: “‘We’re giving the ball to Thomas.’”
Tony: “That’s it? It’s as simple as that?”
Joe Fan: “Yer goddamned right. I’ve been sayin’ that for weeks. *scratch* *fart*”

Update #1: That was the hardest damned throw I’ve seen on a screen pass since early Favre. I hate myself for thinking it.

Update #2: Don’t be shocked it’s a Chicago crowd, Tony; none of the coverage remotely implies you know you’re in St. Louis. Also, Muhsin Muhammad has my favorite crossover move of any Chicago athlete at the moment. 28-13 Bears.

Update #3: Bears fans, repeat after me: The Rams are the 26th best pass defense and the 29th best run defense, according to DVOA.

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

After a quarter, it appears nothing has changed for the Bears. They’re crushing the running game and the trained viewer can taste the first Rams turnover. Grossman is wild and uncertain, questioning every move he makes.

The Rams put together an impressive drive in both results and method. It was unrelenting without being overwhelming; it was the waterboarding of offensive football.

Naturally, the Rams muff the extra point to avoid appearing fully competent. It’s 6-0 Rams.

Before I can even notify you of the yeoman’s work by the Rams, Devin Hester throws the Bears on his broad, supple shoulders and carries the team out of the fire. I’ve always had the sense that special teams touchdowns were more chance than skill, but he’s rolling hard sevens quite a bit this season, bless his soul. 7-6 Bears.

Update #1: I’d like a mulligan on my opening paragraph, please. The Rams are persistently scraping a few yards here and there, making the Bears defense look bad in aggregate if not in highlight. Stephen Jackson is far too big to be that fast, but there he goes yet again. 14-6 Rams.

The Bears are Mike Tyson, hopeless without the quick knockout; the Rams are now Julio César Chávez, fighting well above their weight.

Update #2:
Tony: “So you’re a Bears fan. How’s that goin’ for you?”
Jim: “My life is a lie.”
Joe: “heh heh. You’re a funny guy.”
Mike: “So what’s happening this year on the wildly popular ‘According to Jim’?”
Jim: “I want to die, but I’m too chickenshit to swallow a handgun.”
Tony: “Would you leave Rex Grossman in? huh? Take a stand, Belushi.”
Jim: “Please push me out of the booth.”
Joe: “heh heh. Funny guy.”
Tony: “Super Bowl? What do you think?”
Jim: “Oh God, it hurts so much.”

Update #3: Theesman makes a cogent analysis of the touchdown pass from Grossman to Berrian, pointing out that the Grossman of previous weeks would have held the ball a moment or two longer and muffed the play. I believe Theesman is correct, though I’d be wary to declare the patient cured. Thank you for doing your job, though, Joe. Keep up the good work. 14-13 Bears.

Update #4: Theesman then makes a clean call on the Bulger sack, making it clear it’s not a “coverage sack” but a quarterback that needs to let slip the dogs of war a wee bit earlier. He manages to do all this in the few seconds before the next play.

Dear Tripod Flashlight Aliens,

You can keep the old Theesman.

Thanks,
Tuffy

Update #5: Hey, look! Grossman turns it over!

No one will be seated during the thrilling instant replay review. Jab my eyes out with a Buick.

Update #6: The last update never happened. Until it happens again.

Update #7: The teams lurch back and forth in a pitiable imitation of a two-minute offense, dragging out the game to a painful crawl. The score remains 14-13 Bears and I will see you all on the other side of a peanut butter and banana sammich.

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

For those of you outside the greater Chicago area, please let me be the first and the loudest to disavow Jim Belushi as a beloved Chicagoan. He’s an embarrassment of the first order; his career is predicated on getting his name in the credits to confuse the slow-witted into thinking the talented one is alive and kicking.

He’s hitched himself to the local sports teams to keep his Q rating up and his positives solid, but it only shows him as an ingratiating hanger-on; if it were Chicago’s call, we’d offer him a reality show that forces him to live in an apartment with Cathy Smith until one of them is dead. He’d sign it because he’s a whore.

The game so far has the feel of two heavyweight fighters feeling each other out. Unfortunately, those metaphorical fighters are George Foreman and Evander Holyfield.

Update #1: Maybe Michael Vick and Rex Grossman should line up in the same backfield.

As running backs. Or perhaps groundskeepers.

St. Louis fans are still working the D-fence sign; they haven’t even received the memo about the Off-fence sign. That’s refreshing in a delightfully Midwestern way.

Update #2: A Bears fan in the crowd is sporting the bright orange abomination jersey, #54-style. I’m pretty sure he’s married and that his wife is cheating on him as we speak with his best friend. It’s deserved.

Grossman makes another wild throw while in the grasp of a defender and is not chided in the least by the announcing crew. “Stood tall.” “Avoided the sack.” “Can only remember an object exists as long as I can see it.”

Why do I enjoy a well-placed punt so? Is it the strategic advantage? The delusion that even a slow white guy like me could do that if I just practiced for a month or two? I just do. I love a 7 second hangtime punt within the 2. (Needless to say, this game has yet to catch fire.)

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

I may have said something snide at one point about quarterback controversies in general and the Bears’ “conundrum” in particular. I don’t have any patience for repetition and mundanity, which this particular canard usually offers.

I have to admit, though, that I’ve been forced to reconsider my position on the specific case of Rexy or not to Rexy. Who forced me to step back and examine my life choices?

Who else? Saint Jaws of Philadephia.

““He’s out of control,” Jaworski said. “He’s having a hard time differentiating aggressiveness from stupidity.” I asked about the Bears offensive scheme, and Jaworski pointed out several plays that were designed to give Grossman an easy read and boost his confidence. Even on these relatively simple plays, Grossman made mistakes. “Right now, Ron Turner is calling plays not to attack the defense, but to try to get Grossman comfortable,” he said.”

Again, let me be clear: wiser and smarter men than me are considering the issue, none of whom appear on my television in an earring and/or tie. However, I will be watching Mr. Grossman’s composure with greater countenance this evening. It’s a damned shame there’s no one available to help me with that during the telecast.

Enough, now, about the horse beaten so badly that no message board could save it. I ask you to turn your gaze southwest ever so slightly and consider the St. Louis Rams. They’re 5-7 and have been outscored by 45 points. I can tell you no more about this team as a casual fan because they have committed the Cardinal sin of sports: they’re dull.

I don’t say that to be snide or sarcastic. (Who are we kidding? Of course I do.) However, I’d also like to be wrong. Mike Martz is in his death throes with another team. The league forced the Rams to take on Denzel Washington’s son to shine just the slightest wattage on the team for Monday Night Football.

I present the worst sentence you can say to a Rams fan tonight. Bears fans, use this gift judiciously for you are not too far removed from the shame of blandness:

“Hey, didn’t he used to be Isaac Bruce?”

Update #1: Oh, Rachel honey…you’ve got more roots showing than a tree after a tornado.

Update #2: Senator Barack Obama: Taped open. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but this man will be our next Bobby Kennedy. Prepare for it. Wish for it.

Jim Belushi fetches the helmet. More on Belushi later.

Is ESPN aware the game is being played in St. Louis? Hell, I did a double-take after the open when the first field shot was indoors.

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

The Bears do their best imitation of the Rams offense, biting off chewable portions and jamming the ball into the end zone via Thomas Jones. 21-13 Bears.

Why Joe Fan Thinks He Can Run a Professional Football Offense, Reason #49823749:

Tony: “Joe, what did the Bears change at halftime? What did they adjust?”
Joe: “‘We’re giving the ball to Thomas.’”
Tony: “That’s it? It’s as simple as that?”
Joe Fan: “Yer goddamned right. I’ve been sayin’ that for weeks. *scratch* *fart*”

Update #1: That was the hardest damned throw I’ve seen on a screen pass since early Favre. I hate myself for thinking it.

Update #2: Don’t be shocked it’s a Chicago crowd, Tony; none of the coverage remotely implies you know you’re in St. Louis. Also, Muhsin Muhammad has my favorite crossover move of any Chicago athlete at the moment. 28-13 Bears.

Update #3: Bears fans, repeat after me: The Rams are the 26th best pass defense and the 29th best run defense, according to DVOA.