Tuffy’s Refrigerator Logic

Will Leitch Book Tour Appearance Report

February 12th, 2008 by Tuffy

My full report, with risque details I do not recommend reading about while at work, follows after the jump.

An Especially Inspirational Super Bowl Story

February 3rd, 2008 by Tuffy

“And that’s a first down for Higgins, the fourth tight end. A rare reception for Higgins, who is mostly used in blocking assignments.”

“Of course, he’s just happy to be here, right?”

“You bet. Higgins there has had a rough time of it and it’s truly inspirational that he’s here today in the Super Bowl. He’s suffered quite a bit of loss and really could have given up at any time. Still, he’s managed to stay focused on football and reached the biggest stage in football.”

“You can see he’s got a tattoo there in the replay; the tattoo says, ‘Margie 4eva’. That’s for his grandmother, Marjorie, who passed away on a stayover visit when he was five. Poor woman passed away in her sleep, thankfully, but he was the first one to find her in the morning.”

“So sad. And that’s a first down incompletion to Solstein. A little high on that throw. Which brings us back to Higgins. One of his other tattoos is for his father, who fell off the family roof when Higgins was 11. He was holding the ladder for his father when the elder Higgins fell while cleaning gutters. It must be horrifying to see that happen as a young kid.”

“Oh, so true, but he says that he’s really inspired by the courage his father showed that day and it drives him every day. You have to be made of stone not to be moved by that. He keeps a tattoo of a Chinese character that roughly means ‘honorable Father’ on his neck to always spur him to keep his head up high.”

“Speaking of stone, that’s another incompletion to Solstein as the ball bounces off his hands. Definitely feeling the Super Bowl pressure; he’s dropped three passes already in this big game.” Read the rest of this entry »

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Undisclosed Location Photos - #2 in a Series

February 1st, 2008 by Tuffy

Theme: ESPN products found at the Undisclosed Location.

Take a roll in the ESPN hay with me after the jump… Read the rest of this entry »

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Undisclosed Location Photos - #1 in a Series

January 31st, 2008 by Tuffy

A picture that will only amuse a few of you:

Not pictured to the left: a sturgeon named “Supermike”.

Posted in nonsense | 7 Comments »

Fly with Me in My Beautiful Bulleted List

January 30th, 2008 by Tuffy

Back if not in one piece. My extended enjoyment of the national air transport system on Monday has forced me to turn to the last resort of rapscallions everywhere: bullets. I hope my lawyer can create sympathy with the jury.

The New York Giants showed up in Arizona battling the flu. If the Giants lose, Tom Coughlin will be vilified by the Post for not putting a hand washing diagram in the Super Bowl playbook.
I’m not sending you a link to this Internet ad for Oreos, but I will share the text of the ad in its entirety: “You could win a trip for your family to lick race against the Mannings & $10,000!” Funny; I thought the first one was always free.
Jason Kidd would like to be traded. LeBron James wants Kidd on his squad. That’s nice, but it also explains why Jerry Krause often ignored Jordan’s attempts to play Junior GM during his playing days. All good things, young man…
I didn’t watch a minute of the U.S. Figure Skating Championships but for different reasons than one might think. I find it hard to watch these incredibly young people fight to be the best of their breed. Mostly, I want to pat them on their little heads after each performance and take them out for ice cream like I promised if they tried really hard and no one went to the hospital. As much as I’ll be pounding the Olympics here all spring and summer, there’s still some small part of me that finds putting an immense amount of personal investment into 14-20 year olds a little disconcerting. I can’t help feeling patronizingly paternal when I do, though.
Then again, maybe I shouldn’t feel badly about that.
Can we call him “Dinged” Crosby yet?
I would like to commit to the Indian, but I appear to have commitment issues. Can we just mess around for awhile?
If Mighty Mouse is the answer, you’re asking the… actually, you’re asking just the right question, San Antonio.
When I see Chris Webber’s photo in a story, I instinctively check to see if I still have my wallet. Good luck with that, Oakland.
“Andy, let’s go out fishing, okay? No, Koby has to go back inside now… just you and me, eh?”

Lots more coming as soon as I figure out which one of you got into the peppermint schnapps I was totally just holding for a friend.

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This I Believe - Or Else

January 24th, 2008 by Tuffy

… welcome back, loyal NPR listener. We’re in day five of the summer pledge drive. We know this is about the time the pledge drive gets a little perfunctory and dry, much like the rest of the midday coverage. ha ha! We kid Roosevelt Stevens and his Farm Report. Love you, Rosie! He hates it when we call him Rosie. ha ha.

Therefore, we’d like to give you a little Capraesque look into a future without pledge drives. Sounds great, doesn’t it? No overpriced tchotckes. No aimless banter about moral responsibilities.

By the way, did you notice a distinct lack of high-pitched tittering? Yes, the 2 am music hour is now missing a host… or will be once a missing persons report can be filed in 48 hours… but our donations have risen 14% over last year since her odd disappearance yesterday. See? We do care about you.

But back to Capra. In the vein of “It’s a Wonderful Life”, we’ve put together a sample of NPR programming without pledge drives. You may have heard “Ryan Seacrest’s Laundry List” earlier and maybe you were around this morning for “A List of Chicks Burt Reynolds Claims to Have Banged as Read by Burt Reynolds with Explicit Commentary by Burt Reynolds”. A quite disconcerting experience over breakfast, no?

Still, donations haven’t markedly increased, so maybe you think we’re not being serious about this. Maybe you think this is some kind of cute little gag we’re running. It’s not. We’re serious.

To further prove our point, we’ve asked noted comedian Carlos Mencia to tape an essay for This I Believe. As regular NPR listeners know, This I Believe is a collection of essays allowing people both famous and not-so-famous pontificate on their core beliefs in front of a paid audience. You know, like Chris Matthews but classier.

As regular listeners to this pledge drive know by now, I’m making air quotes when I say “noted comedian”.

Just as we would be forced to tell you if we skipped pledge drives, Carlos Mencia has a new book out: “Jokes I Told Milton Berle”. You can buy it at bookstores now… I guess. Now, This I Believe with Carlos Mencia. Read the rest of this entry »

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Games People Play - Board Games and Legal Matters

January 16th, 2008 by Tuffy

Unfortunately, the main draw to Facebook has hit a legal snag. (No, Chris Hansen didn’t just discover Facebook.) Scrabulous, a game suspiciously similar to Scrabble™®©allhailthebrothersparker, has been called out by Parker Brothers for wearing similar outfits to Scrabble and getting a job as the same company as Scrabble and trying to date Scrabble’s ex-boyfriend, Single White Board Game-style.

Regardless of the result of this lawsuit, it’s surely not the first time board games have been at the center of legal action. Having consulted a crack legal team before proceeding, here are suggested lawsuits for those looking to make a little cash off their board game knowledge and some day become the banker or at least call perpetual dibs on the race car: Read the rest of this entry »

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Drunk on Apple Wine

January 15th, 2008 by Tuffy

A study by CalTech and Stanford’s business school suggests the human brain can reach a pleasurable state simply by being told it should:

Researchers from the California Institute of Technology and Stanford’s business school have directly seen that the sensation of pleasantness that people experience when tasting wine is linked directly to its price. And that’s true even when, unbeknownst to the test subjects, it’s exactly the same Cabernet Sauvignon with a dramatically different price tag.

The authors of this study go on to mention other studies that come to similar conclusions about a correlation between price and pleasure, separate from quality or other critical thought.

hmm. What company best represents this notion in America today? Who could bring cries of “overrated and overpriced” faster than you can say “Skymall catalog”? hmmmm. Could it be… SATAN?!?!?

No, of course not. It’s the company that’s currently making the final calibrations to their signal repeaters for the Reality Distortion Field that only one man can produce: CEO Steve Jobs. Yes, Apple’s big keynote for Macworld is today and all the glowing announcements and shiny pretties will be produced from Apple’s hidden core today.

Let the glee begin!

Now let’s stop for a moment to say that making Big Statements about little studies is a hallmark of sloppy thinking (and most news broadcasts). I do think it’s a cute coincidence, though, because it’s something I often worry about when my Mac fandom gets a little out of control. Like, say, on days like this.

Once the 24-hour period after the keynote passes, though, and my friends give me back my credit cards (be prepared, kids), I can say with some rational thought that I’m never quite as inspired to push the limits of what I can do and what my computers can do for me as when I’m using my Apple products to link my iPhone to my iMac and my PowerBook on the road and so on.

I can usually convince myself that the reasons involve the quality of the products and their ability to work together fairly seamlessly. Likely, I’m even correct about that. Still, I can see there’s a possibility I’m paying for the pride of having the best and price might have a sliver to do with that.

Still, if I’m inspired by the $90 bottle of wine to do better for whatever reason, where’s the harm in a little distortion? Bring another bottle, garçon! And would it hurt you to take off the turtleneck and put on a tie? Slacker.

Posted in nonsense | 6 Comments »

Adventures in Pornography

January 13th, 2008 by Tuffy

I left work late Friday night, feeling the full brunt of a long and brutal week at the office. I felt the need to do something indulgent and selfish to signify the weekend’s arrival. Considering I had cut out all of the wonderful vices for New Year’s, though, I didn’t have many options. As I drove by my usual Borders, I realized I should pick up a copy of Will Leitch’s interview in Penthouse. After all, we’re all so proud our little moptop kid from Illinois is about to splash all over the nation.

Also, with his book tour coming to my town (or as close as he dare approach, I guess), it wouldn’t hurt to have a little more under my belt to rib him about when he arrives. He’ll love it, just like improv comics love the smartass in the crowd that wants to show everyone he’s just as funny as the performers on the stage by shouting the more ridiculous suggestions before each scene. Hell, the bit where I keep interrupting Will’s reading with “Tell the game show story!” and “We want to hear the Kimmel story!” will surely tickle his funny bone.

I had just been in the store earlier that week to pick up research for Monday’s podcast, but I rushed through my purchase. Therefore, I looked forward to poking around for a few minutes again, perhaps taking more time to browse the manga section or see if any of the hardcovers that languished on my Christmas list were on sale. Read the rest of this entry »

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