Today in Tuffy History: Ask Tuffy returns! In today’s installment, we explore when to let go and when to enjoy your bile.
Archive for the ‘nonsense’ Category
Ask Tuffy – A Healthy Hate of His Team
Monday, December 10th, 2007BC Sports Podcast Preview
Wednesday, November 21st, 2007Starting Monday, yours truly will participate in a weekly podcast with host Matt Sussman (of “T.J. Hooker” fame) on all facets of sports under the Blogcritics Sports banner. As a special treat, Matt and I have put together a brief behind-the-scenes look of what that will be like. Enjoy! (more…)
Discover Your Future at the Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law
Friday, October 12th, 2007Have you imagined yourself in a school where skullduggery and deception is nourished and stimulated? Where all your whining can be referred to as “billable hours”? The Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, recognizes your passion to lift your profile and succeed, hopefully at the expense of your teammates and coaches.
At the Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law, we provide law degrees* in Clubhouse Law with a variety of concentrations, from Sowing Discontent to Convicting Your Teammate in the Court of Public Opinion. We also provide extension courses in a variety of topics for beer league clubhouse paralegals.
“Come to the Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law and learn all the tricks that got me six major league ball caps in the last eight seasons of my career!” – El Presidente Orlando Cepeda (the Baby Bull himself)
The campus, located on the expansive Alou family compound (legends in the clubhouse litigation business), offers state-of-the-art clubhouse simulators with real former beat writers and ex-managers to practice new skills and test theories on. Also, the scenic views and cheap bars allow you to practice your post-game exploits as well.
“I became beloved in the whole major leagues with the redeeming social qualities of a cockroach in the middle of the breeding process, all thanks to the Alous!” – Omar Vizquel
Our unique method of portfolio assessment puts in you a small group setting and forces you to convince the reporters and teammates that you are the misunderstood genius of the locker room because you like to read books without pictures and just need a fair shake. If you sell your point of view to the assembled while knifing everyone else in the back, you pass!
“It’s not just a name; it’s a way of life. Thanks, Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law!” – Lawyer Milloy
Courses include:
- How to Tell the Beat Writer About Your Opinion and Make Him Think He Teased It Out of You
- How to Form an Opinion (remedial)
- Using the Internet to Extend Your Clientele (with Professor Curt Schilling)
- How to Avoid the Promotion to Clubhouse Cancer
- Make Your Teammates Pick Sides for Senseless Reasons
- The Boom Box: A Deconstruction (with Professor Kerry Wood)
- Your First Deal: How to Negotiate Your Trade Right From Your Locker!
- Clubhouse Ethics and How to Avoid Them
- How to Woo the Boss (team taught by Professors Jim Leyritz and Rick Cerone)
- Make Your Influence Larger Than Your Talent
- Woe Is Me: Trapped in the Losing Closet (Professor Carl Pickens’ tour de force)
- Coach’s Plan Made Me Look Bad, Not My Exquisite Hackery
- Race: The Only Card in Town! (with Professor Gary Sheffield)
- How to Turn Your Clubhouse Lawyer Pedigree into a Political Career (an honors course taught by Mayor Craig Biggio)
With a kitchen run by Master Chef (and 1990 graduate) David Wells and transportation provided by the Jeff Kent (1992 graduate) Agency, you will live in luxury’s velvety lap and get an advanced degree. Sign up now!
“With the Baby Bull College of Offshore Clubhouse Law, you can get into the Baseball Hall of Fame and the Clubhouse Lawyers Hall of Fame! I would have got there sooner, but Ozzie was holding me back…” – Frank Thomas
(Note: no financial aid available. Payment due before graduation; policy enforced by 1999 graduate Michael Barrett.)
*Law degrees only valid in Dominican Republic, Venezuela, and New York City tabloids
First They Drafted…
Sunday, September 30th, 2007When the jackass fantasy owner drafted first and acted as if the pick was his God-given right and guaranteed his success,
I remained silent;
I was drafting seventh anyway.
When he offered a flurry of lopsided trades to the league and acted indignant when no one would trade with him in “this lameass dead league”,
I remained silent;
I was not fooled.
When he finally found a sucker to trade with,
I did not speak out;
I was winning anyway.
When the jackass fantasy owner started churning through the waiver wire like a steamboat traipsing down the Mississippi and making it impossible for anyone to pick up a player worth a damn without ruining their waiver ranking,
I remained silent;
I didn’t have any injuries yet.
When he threw a hissy fit worthy of a spastic seven year old that just downed a 10-pack of Pixy Stix with a chaser of a case of Red Bull when someone else tries to trade with his week’s opponent that might marginally improve the opponent,
I did not speak out;
I was busy preparing to get my ass kicked by the other guy in the trade.
When he taunted the league relentlessly about his superiority in fantasy football and equated it with his superiority wooing and mating with the opposite sex and suggested perhaps his competitors were less adept with the opposite sex, perhaps due to their latent desire to
mate with the same sex in a very painful and perhaps impossible manner,
I remained silent;
I knew his sexual experience was based mostly on the pity of a generous aunt.
When he crushed me in the head-to-head playoffs using the pilfered players, the canceled trades, and the trail of waived bodies,
There was no one left to speak out.
When he tried to buddy up with me after the season with a slap on the back and a “aw, c’mon, you’re not gonna hold that against me, are ya, bro?”,
I made sure they wouldn’t find the body.
Really, Wal-Mart?
Sunday, September 30th, 2007Today in Tuffy History: I posted at Blogcritics about Wal-Mart, football, the General Lee, and racism in America. Heady stuff.
The Damaging Power of Prayer in Sports
Thursday, August 9th, 2007Today in Tuffy History: I posted at Blogcritics about prayer in sports.
Come Out Swingin’
Sunday, May 27th, 2007Today in Tuffy History: I posted at Blogcritics about spousal abuse, athletes, and slumping.
Vancougar – Losin’ It
Friday, May 25th, 2007Today in Tuffy History: I posted at Blogcritics about Vancougar and their peppy punky girl explosion.
Dear Athlete: Sorry About the Following
Friday, May 18th, 2007Today in Tuffy History: I posted at Blogcritics about athletes speaking for themselves. Don’t read this. Really. It’s an embarrassing display of mental sloth. I’m sorry, athletes. Shine on, you crazy diamonds.
Carefully crafted to keep me docile
Sunday, January 7th, 2007Welcome to the second week in January. This is the week where the Council on Keeping Tuffy Unproductive has scheduled a series of events, each more exciting than the last, to keep me pounding the RSS feed like I know the RSS feed likes it until it spits out another morsel of goodness. Here’s what I’ll be totally geeking out about this week:
* The Television Critics Association gets together every year around this time to berate, cajole, and even occasionally praise those who make the idiot box soothing and difficult to disobey. It’s called the TCA Press Tour. I’m not a huge television fan (give me five more years of couch potato training), but some of the best critical journalism comes from television writers. I’m not sure why that is, per se. Perhaps editors are too busy and let something as ‘unimportant’ as television criticism slide. Maybe there’s a standard set by Tom Shales that demands snarkiness. Whatever brings me this bounty, some of the best on-the-spot writing takes places this week.
When they all get together under the influence of free booze and recirculated hotel air in Pasadena, these people (and a few others) bring the noise, the funk, and the cattle prod:
Tim Goodman
Aaron Barnhart
Lisa de Moraes (call me)
Phil Rosenthal
* The Chicago Bears, bless their souls, have decided not to suck this year. They will be playing some time next weekend, depending on the outcome of today’s NFC game. One day next weekend will be lost in a haze of booze and regret. The other day is when the Bears play.
* CES is here! Every gadget-loving capitalist pigdog will be taking notes for 2007’s Christmas list. I will help you plan ahead for my gifts; start setting aside money now.
* Speaking of Buying Me Shit, Macworld arrives and the anticipation for Apple’s new cell phone/home media center/video touchscreen iPod/leper healing device may kill me by Tuesday morning, when all of the new devices will be announced (or not, at the whim of King Steve). I look forward to brand new ways to view my porn collection.
