Ice Machine - Old and Busted

May 29th, 2008 by Tuffy

Here’s a clear shot from the daily Ice Machine, with crystal blue linkage of stories that will refresh you during your lunch break (since this isn’t likely to be a morning feature for the next two weeks):

Normally, we provide multiple links in this space, providing a bit of a pick-me-up/simple distraction.  However, we can only think of one topic today, so we beg your indulgence: Doug Collins is the new head coach of the Chicago Bulls, according to the Chicago Tribune.  Yes, he’s also the old head coach before Jordan forced him out.  

We have come to a deeply disheartening view of the Bulls and of all Chicago sports we wish to share with you now.  We highly recommend sitting down and consuming a calming beverage of your choice before continuing.

To wit: The Chicago Blackhawks are the most innovative sports franchise in Chicago today.

Read the rest of this entry »

Posted in baseball, basketball, football, hockey, mlb, nba, nfl, nhl, soccer | 4 Comments »

United States and Mexico Tie One On

February 7th, 2008 by Tuffy

If the game had been a Tom Tancredo presidential rally, the poor man would have suffered a stroke as soon as he looked up into 70,000 faces of the enemy. If the game had been a Brinks Home Security commercial, the Brinks operator would have stopped calling to check on the United States goal by halftime. If the game had been a war, it would have been… well, the Mexican-American War, natch, except with six yellow cards and a concerted effort by the Mexican defense to take the piss out of Landon Donovan. (Don’t they know we have dibs on that?)

The United States and Mexico played a friendly game of futbol Wednesday night on neutral ground: Houston, Texas. The first half was a sloppy but exciting barrage of goals befitting of young scorers everywhere. Oguchi Onyewu made an insane run at goal after his throw-in at the 30th minute to fling himself at the loose ball recklessly and head it home off the far post; the dream-like loft and speed on the header made Mexican ‘keeper Guillermo Ochoa the sole participant in a game of freeze tag.

Mexico returned the favor through the NAFTA-style defense offered by American Drew Moor just a few minutes later on a set piece. Jonny Magallon (hereforth known as Selsun Blue, thanks to his new hair color and the able linguistic assistance of Matt Sussman) exposed the main weakness of Sam’s Army on Wednesday: the half of the field with U.S. ‘keeper Tim Howard standing forlornly on it, hoping for the calvary to finally arrive. Even Ross Perot could hear that giant sucking sound.

Then… Jozy.

In the 40th minute, Real Madrid officials dug the number for Jozy Altidore’s agent out of their other coat after a frantic search and were disappointed to be sent directly to a full voice mailbox. His international-level header tallied his first of many goals as a USMNT member and may have made a blogger squeal like a little girl. (And ladies… Jozy’s legal.)

Magallon spanked home another goal a few moments into the second half that made it clear to all watching that the U.S. defense couldn’t cover a set piece with the Star Wars missile defense program installed around the stadium. An apoplectic Tim Howard, desperately trying to properly position the young defenders in front of his goal with little success, should probably not play in a state with lenient gun ownership laws. Somebody’s going to emergency; somebody’s going to jail.

The last forty minutes of the exhibition showed an exhausted set of teams and audience after the rapid scoring early on. The rest of the match was sloppy, uninspired, and felt rather perfunctory… so it was more like old married sex.

Still, U.S. coach Bob Bradley got his younguns into the 2-2 draw as much as possible, never losing focus during the chippy play (English sports banter for “street fight”) that his goal was always to drain the swamp of old players that won’t be around for World Cup 2010.

Oh, and the U.S. gets to keep Texas for another year, so no one really wins, either.

Posted in soccer | 1 Comment »

Sports for Most Palates Tonight

February 6th, 2008 by Tuffy

Tonight is a great night in the Midwest and East to curl up in bed with a good contest of wills. Thankfully, there’s something for most everyone tonight:

Duke v North Carolina - Part of this may be nostalgia, but I still get excited about this contest every year. As much as I fight the tyranny of the false friction, the old saying truly applies her: these two teams jus’ plain don’t like each other. Also, Dickie V’s back, baby! (9 ET, ESPN)

US v Mexico - However, these two teams hate each other. Or, more accurately, Mexico soccer fans would like the US dead by dawn through the most violent means possible. US players and fans are generally befuddled and bruised by batteries. I predict at least one red card issued in Houston tonight. Also, Jozy’s here, baby! (9 ET, ESPN2 & Univision; ignore the ESPN2 listing that says it’s a replay of women’s soccer from 2007)

There’s also a full slate of NBA games and a few NHL games. What are you watching tonight as you hang out between the Super Bowl and pitchers and catchers reporting? (For the purposes of discussion, I’ve already assumed you’re watching American Idol at 8 ET.)

Posted in basketball, college basketball, soccer | 1 Comment »

Fan’s Milk Powers Essian

January 21st, 2008 by Tuffy

The New York Times found a Chelsea fan from America to write about the African Cup of Nations for their soccer blog. While their taste in sports fans clearly has to be questioned, it did lead to this discovery:

FanMilk apparently gives Michael Essian everything he needs to keep Chelsea safely behind Man U and Arsenal. If this were true for everyone, Jose Lima would still pitch in the major leagues.

Posted in soccer | 5 Comments »

To Bob Kraft, Human Winning Machine

November 19th, 2007 by Tuffy

Today in Tuffy History: I noted that Bob Kraft had a pretty good day Sunday.  Also, I started my four columns-per-week schedule; let the countdown to RSI surgery begin.

Posted in football, nfl, soccer | No Comments »

The Legend of David Beckham

July 24th, 2007 by Tuffy

Today in Tuffy History: I posted at Blogcritics about David Beckham’s arrival in These United States. I may have fudged a few facts.

Posted in soccer | No Comments »

Footballers’ Wives to Fuck Up Sundays, Too

December 29th, 2006 by Tuffy

Previously posted on a defunct site; moved here for posterity

Gentlemen and fair-minded ladies, ABC has green-lighted the import of a very popular British television series. I recommend you find ways to selectively disable your television function and/or reception before this fall.

“But why?” you ask. “Why, brilliant and deceptively handsome Tuffy? I have grown fond of the soft and warm glow that television affords me, replacing the hard-earned affections of family and acquaintances with its reassuring lessons of smugness, fairness, and rough sex.”

“Also, Tuffy, it’s not like this is the first British import to pollute our shores. We survived Archie Bunker, Sanford, and that funny virgin-y guy in an office. Certainly, this is nothing our feckless American television executives can’t polish into a shiny prime-time turd.”

Oh, dear reader, how I wish I could return to feeling as you do, wrapped in the safe electric blanket of UHF, VHF, and co-ax. Nay, I come to you today as a portent of evil for our well-meaning progenitors have delivered unto these shores…a football soap opera.

TV Squad, a Web site that calls to me like the voice of God, has warned me that this is intended to be a bookend for Desperate Housewives. Now you understand the danger. See me. Feel me. Touch me. Heal me.

This is not the show to bring men and women together under one television show, divisible by none, amen. I present you with Wikipedia-scripted warnings from the British soccer-based version (sweet, sweet spoilers follow):

On the night of one of Tanya’s and Frank’s steamy rendezvous, Frank injures Tanya, who then locks herself away in the bathroom. Enter Jason, who sees what Frank has done to his wife and goes berserk. But one blow to Frank’s head causes him to remember everything. Memories from the night he went into a coma come flooding back to Frank…

…Tanya and Amber both had Conrad’s babies; Tanya swapped the babies at birth to hide that hers might have been Frank’s, but this backfired when Amber’s son (Tanya’s, really) was smothered to death by Amber’s dog.

Heed my word and find a method to convince your loved ones that your television simply will not work for at least one hour per week. Suggestions include:

* HDTV (no one understands it properly; use plenty of acronyms and alphanumeric combinations like “My 1080p conked out when the HDMI and the R2D2 went K-9″)
* Lightning storms
* Snow storms
* Confetti storms
* Religion (the perfect time to find religion is to avoid this show)
* Football is on.

This is the cruelest blow; if it’s the perfect bookend with Desperate Housewives, there is every chance this show will be the obstacle to Sunday Night Football. If this happens, may your deity have mercy on you. Failing that, bite down on the cyanide tablet attached to the bottom of this post.

Posted in media, soccer | No Comments »