To help, Refrigerator Logic is providing a list of reasons to watch every Major League Baseball team for the 2008 season. Anyone that’s read all the team lists should be able to pull up the MLB schedule on any day in early June and find reasons to enjoy any contest on the board that night.

Please join in the comments to add your own reasons. Tell everyone why your team is worth three and a half hours of their lives on any given day. Make us care and we’ll be there with a tasty beverage and an appreciation for what you feel each time your team takes the field.

Hunter Pence… AND AWAY!

Hunter Pence was riding through the deserts of West Houston last winter with new manager Cecil Cooper when Coop’s 1980 Plymouth Volaré broke down mysteriously, miles from anywhere. Also, their cell phones were dead and Coach’s OnStar just kept giggling at him. What on Earth could be happening?

Of course, it became clear quite quickly that nothing from this Earth was happening when the green glowing orb swooped down from the sky and hovered over the vehicle.

Coop’s radio crackled to life. “Coop! Coop, is that you?”

“Yeah… yeah, it’s me. This sounds like… is this Rob Deer?”

“Yeah! Yeah, it’s me. When my career died, the aliens took me aside and asked me if I’d teach them the Three True Outcomes. They decided to keep me around even after they realized the Three True Outcomes had nothing to do with physics. So I told them about you.”

“What? You… what?”

“Let me step outside.” A flash of blinding light washes over the car. When Coop finally clears his vision, Rob Deer is at the driver’s side door. Coop yelps, “Deer?”

“Yeah, you and Hunter there. I told them about how miserable your team is projected to be this year and all the trouble you and I went through in Milwaukee and how they should help you out. So they have.”

“… what? Aliens are helping… what?”

“Relax, Coop! Here. They made this uniform for him. Don’t worry; they made one for away games, alternate jersey nights, and throwback games, too. It’s got special powers in it. If he uses them properly in right field, he’ll be super this season.”

Coop takes the alien briefcase. “Uhm… okay.” He hands it to a stunned Pence who stammers a polite thanks.

“Now one more thing, both of you… don’t lose the instructions, okay? If you lose the instructions, who knows what kind of damage you could do without knowing how you did it?”

“Yeah. uhm. Okay. Thanks, Rob.”

“My pleasure. Now get on out of here; I’ve got to stop by Prince Fielder’s place to sew up a tear in his suit before we head back.  Goodbye, Cooooooooooooooooooooop!”

Another flash of light and Deer had bolted.  The ship disappeared; the car powered up; the men drove home silently.

Every Hero Needs a Villain

The Houston Astros will pay $93m in salary in 2008.

Take a moment. We’re good.

Yes, the Houston Astros will pay their talent $93 million in 2008. By contrast, Drayton McLane paid $102m for the entire team in 1992. By way of further comparison, that’s a stupid massive amount of money to spend on a 75 win team. Of course, if it’s a 75 win team in 2008, what success can it hope for when $66m in 2009 and $53m in 2010 are tied up in the same aged core because only one of the top 100 prospects in baseball belong to the Astros organization?

Besides bankruptcy protection. It probably doesn’t work that way anyway.

It’s a good thing heroes like Pence are around to swoop down in the nick of time. Who else is arguing with Edna about their cape?

Wait Up for Me, Robin!

One storyline perpetually missing from American comic books has to be the handover of power between boy wonder and established hero. According to the corporations that own our heroes, Americans prefer to have their intellectual property perpetually reboot and keep the same hero in place in fixed youth. (Jokes about the arrested development of the readership are not welcome; jokes about the arrested development of the corporate structure supporting this decision are encouraged.)

There are examples, though, that defy the norm. Barry Allen handed the Flash cowl to Wally West. Bobba Fett inherited his helmet. And J.R. Towles will accept the metaphorical mask from Brad Ausmus this season.

Towles is already the hitter Ausmus never was, projecting into a nice contact hitter with a bit of gap power. Also, he’s an impressive enough defender despite not throwing out huge numbers of runners in the minors.

However, filling Ausmus’ codpiece out involves more than play on the field. Ausmus struck fear in the hearts of runners with his reputation and kept his teammates on the straight and narrow through his perceived leadership. (Also, Ladies Loved Bad A.)

Assuming he’s allowed to simply handle the on-field responsibilities while Brad uses his backup role to support the young man, Towles should carry the mantle with broad shoulders this season. If not, maybe he can get Reed Diamond to stand in for him at press conferences.

When You’ve Got Superman, Anyone Else is Overkill

In the 1950s, DC Comics started to get a little cute with its stars to up circulation. This included tacking on rather unfortunate sidekicks for their superheroes.

Superman was saddled with the worst of the lot, even considering Bat-Mite. A semi-sentient dog named Krypto? A horse named Comet? A super cat? In theory, they were in the big leagues with Superman, but they were mostly there out of contractual obligation.

None of them remotely lived up to the Superman mythos, though, and were thankfully phased out when Superman got back to the gym and knuckled down about being a badass mofo. (Krypto’s back now, in case you were curious about Superman’s current status.)

In completely unrelated news, Roy Oswalt is the starting pitcher on Opening Day for the Houston Astros. There are other starting pitchers as well.

To help, Refrigerator Logic is providing a list of reasons to watch every Major League Baseball team for the 2008 season. Anyone that’s read all the team lists should be able to pull up the MLB schedule on any day in early June and find reasons to enjoy any contest on the board that night.

Please join in the comments to add your own reasons. Tell everyone why your team is worth three and a half hours of their lives on any given day. Make us care and we’ll be there with a tasty beverage and an appreciation for what you feel each time your team takes the field.

Welcome to Ozziewood

In honor of the rash of misplaced creativity represented by Dodger Idol, Dancing with the Red Sox, and Who Wants to Buy Me a Stadium Complex, Ozzie decided to organize his own competition to set the final roster this season. Enlisting GM Kenny Williams to be his dawg and coaxing Jay Mariotti out of the house to babble incoherently and lean on his shoulder for support in very public moments, the White Sox put on a show worthy of their talent level.

Of course, we can also glean the best reasons to watch the White Sox yodel this year while checking their pipes out this spring. Also, we can see whose most embarrassing moment involves trying to hit a baseball thrown by a major league pitcher. (We’re looking at you, Pablo Ozuna.)

Say Say Say Who’s at Third

The hottest competition of the spring pits the World Series Third Baseman and the Young Buck, Joe Crede and Josh Fields. Fields claims to be ready to take over for the older and more expensive Crede, but Crede’s not ceding the bag until someone gets him his own showcase gig in another city. (Kenny Williams continues to attempt to send Crede to Los Angeles, where they’re looking for a Third Base Hero, or any other port in a storm.)

Song: An unusually aggressive duet of “The Girl is Mine”, inspired by John Legend and Stephen Colbert jumping onto the Michael Jackson nostalgia Ferris wheel, devolves into fisticuffs during the coda. Pierzynski tries to break up the fight and ends up poking both gentlemen in the eyes and kneeing Fields in the groin out of habit. All three judges love it, especially Ozzie, who gets in a few blows of his own on Mariotti.

Thanks for Visiting, Sanjaya

Charlie Haeger will possibly make the team out of spring training as a reliever, but he will likely bounce around all year from Triple-A to relief to spot starts to coffee delivery. However, he’ll take another shot at the final 25 all year with his knuckleball and his ability to chew up innings. The results will sadly be unimpressive, but it’ll be hip to watch.

Song: An imitation of Yma Sumac singing “Ave Maria” so deep that it rattles the naughty bits. Kenny gives it a tepid thumbs-up; Ozzie vomits; Jay mumbles about his pet rat Marie.

And That’s Why There’s an Age Limit

The regulars break up the competition for a few minutes by singing a few of their old standards for the assembled.  Mark Buehrle and Javier Vázquez waddle out in exaggerated hobo gear and commit to the Meet Me in St. Louis standard, “We’re a Couple of Swells”.  Those two will knock out another 200 innings or so of roughly 4.00 ERA.  An attempt by Jose Contreras to sneak in for the last refrain on their tune went badly when he forgot the lyrics and then searched his pockets for the reading glasses on his head to read the final lines.

Paul Konerko and Jim Thome belt out Queen’s “Princes of the Universe” in powerful unison; Jermaine Dye croons Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes’ “If You Don’t Know Me By Now”; A.J. brings down the house with an eerily authentic cover of Denis Leary’s novelty hit.

This Year’s Men

The newcomers then come to the stage, their spots fairly well assured for now.  Nick Swisher will bring an on-base percentage approximately one million percent better than anyone else on the squad and knows how to please the fans as only a consummate goofball… erm, professional can.

Song: The sound tech must have accepted that $20 from Swisher, because no one could understand one bit of the overamped noise coming out of the speakers or even hear each other for the next hour.  To quote famed soldier Bob Fibber when asked which song to hear, “Anything; just play it loud, okay?” Jay nearly woke up during this performance, which bodes well for Swisher’s success this year.

Orlando Cabrera knows what he has to do to move on: keep hitting the notes.  If he doesn’t hit over .300, his lousy walk rate and declining power will expose him as a below-average shortstop with declining range due to age.  No reason he can’t keep up the good work for one more year, though, so consider this the grand farewell tour until the next one.

Song: “I Write the Songs”  (”I’m young again/Even though I’m very old”) .  He can’t reach the high notes anymore, but it’s an enjoyable enough reading.  Ozzie gives it the veteran’s approval and Kenny applauds a little too loudly, evoking Citizen Kane.  Jay’s asleep under the table.

Carlos Quentin’s career diverged from its appointed path to stardom when a labrum tear healed slowly and sapped him of his strength and possibly his confidence.  He spent the latter half of 2007 languishing in the minors and will try hard to impress the crowd with a show-stopping number (assuming he can still hit the notes and/or the ball).

Song: Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me)”.  Ozzie hates it when people sing Whitney.

To help, Refrigerator Logic is providing a list of reasons to watch every Major League Baseball team for the 2008 season. Anyone that’s read all the team lists should be able to pull up the MLB schedule on any day in early June and find reasons to enjoy any contest on the board that night.

Please join in the comments to add your own reasons. Tell everyone why your team is worth three and a half hours of their lives on any given day. Make us care and we’ll be there with a tasty beverage and an appreciation for what you feel each time your team takes the field.

I Admire Your Notion of Fair Odds

When Joe Mauer found himself besieged on all sides by Tigers and Indians and the Royal guard and very ill-fitting Socks, he set out to find a new band of brothers to help him defend his baggy village after losing so many compatriots over the winter. When he returned, he presented to the villagers…

Joining him on the field of battle are:

• Justin Morneau (the Most Valuable Bat-slinger) and Michael Cuddyer (the gent standing well behind the Most Valuable Bat-slinger on the field) – Two valued warriors from old skirmishes
• Delmon Young – Quick to anger; quick to love; quick to smash the hell out of the baseball
• Mike Lamb and Adam Everett – Joe Mauer knows what the brains in Toronto do: it’s bad luck to break up the left side of the infield, so always import them in pairs (from Houston, in this case)
• Brendan Harris – Sparring with Little Nicky Punto(™ Bat-Girl Enterprises) for a spot on the horse, he has the distinct advantage of knowing which end of the weapon to hold
• Jason Pridie – Can never be photographed

As Mauer knows from painful experience, it matters more who returns from battle than who you go to battle with. Yet each of these men will defend the baggy village with honor… at least until the first lousy home plate umpire rolls into town.

Under Construction

This is what you will see in 2010 in Minnesota as the Twins are finally receiving the new ballpark of their dreams. It’s the Legends Club, one of the perks for Minnesota’s financial elite. It will cost $1,000 to belong to this club and season tickets ($4,000 or so) are extra. The luxury boxes will look like a kitchen model at Home Depot and the amenities will be as lavish as one would hope from a $420m playpen.

That’s one of the reasons why what you see on this field also feels like an unfinished product. You’re watching the player personnel version of a construction project. When the Twins have new funds coming in from their ballpark, the hope is that those funds will be plowed back into player acquisition and development. Also, the aging Tigers could be on the wane and no one outside the Indians in the AL Central seems ready to challenge in two years.

So enjoy the team in progress like you would one of those mesmerizing construction fast-forward videos, but don’t try to make it go any faster than that; quality takes time. (And money. Right, Carl?)

Reconstruction Site

This is young pitching phenom Francisco Liriano in 2005 at the World Series Club in Hartford, CT. This is a year before he exploded onto the scene in Minnesota with 121 innings of 2.19 ERA tossing and 144 strikeouts. It’s also one year before his elbow exploded in a similar manner because of his trademark reckless pitching style.

Only two years ago, he was expected to join Johan Santana as the 1-2 slugfest to carry the Twins through the playoffs and into the World Series. Now Santana is learning the names of Pedro Martinez’s children and Liriano is no longer very young, turning 25 this fall.

Still, the man’s a phenom and quite forgotten in all the reconstruction going on in his professional life. The Twins are telling all the correct tales about making minor changes in his motion without changing the Essential Liriano. If he does pull it together, though, Liriano’s starts will be appointment television once again.

Best Rebuilding News Yet

The I-35W bridge in Minneapolis that collapsed in August just after the start of a Twins game, taking 13 lives and injuring dozens more, is on track for completion by the end of the year. (You can watch the progress at the Minnesota DOT Web site.) Pictured above is the current progress, conveniently labeled to help with your bridge construction scorecards.

Continued sympathies to the families affected by this and that all this new construction in Minneapolis leads to a better place for everyone.

To help, Refrigerator Logic is providing a list of reasons to watch every Major League Baseball team for the 2008 season. Anyone that’s read all the team lists should be able to pull up the MLB schedule on any day in early June and find reasons to enjoy any contest on the board that night.

Please join in the comments to add your own reasons. Tell everyone why your team is worth three and a half hours of their lives on any given day. Make us care and we’ll be there with a tasty beverage and an appreciation for what you feel each time your team takes the field.

Transactional Analysis

These two gentlemen either have an odd sense of fashion or $112 million of Arte Moreno’s money. (Then again, that’s the kind of money that allows your fashion sense to be labeled “eccentric” and not “homeless chic”.)

Torii Hunter’s 5 yr/$90m contract brings his Famous Proven Veteran persona to the Angels, effectively replacing Career Year Wonder persona Gary Matthews, Jr. Both men are wildly overpriced, but this isn’t a concern for baseball fans; Arte can cover the financial bill.

More importantly for viewers, Hunter’s an entertaining player and person. He’s still got enough speed and savvy to track down balls in center and the flair to make it look oh so pretty. He may spend an awful lot of striking out, but one can forgive Moreno for taking a gamble (though one may also wonder why Andruw Jones wasn’t worth the same gamble for fewer years).

The fine fellow to his left is World Series Champion persona Jon Garland, acquired from the White Sox in an exchange of expiring contracts.  He may be only a third starter these days, but he fills a need better than the exiting Orlando Cabrera.  On the other hand, Cabrera was well-liked ’round these greater Los Angeles general area parts and Garland will be expected to succeed immediately.

In both cases, the cost for Moreno will come more from his ego than his wallet.  If another offseason of expensive acquisitions fails to push the Angels out of the first round of the AL playoffs, his ego may have finally written a check that his bank account can’t cash.   Watch to see how both men handle the pressure and the effects of aging on their skills.

The Ego States of the Angels in the Outfield

Down on the field, manager Mike Scioscia has more egos to juggle than open positions.  Unless his petition to Bud Selig to expand starting positions to 10 players to allow for a short center fielder to sit on the cooler behind second base is heard soon, Scioscia might have to start breaking hearts with his firm parental stance.

In the outfield, Gary Matthews, Jr. is feeling a bit put-upon by Hunter’s arrival and has chosen the nearest chunk of turf (left field) as his new home.  This is, of course, news to the current resident, Garrett Anderson.  He has a certificate of “dibs” signed by Mickey Mouse himself.  In right field, Vladimir Guerrero has kicked his feet and then plopped onto the turf at the idea that he might rest his legs at DH a little this year.  If he can’t play right field every game, he’s taking his glove and going home.

On the infield, there are little kids everywhere trying to take spots away from the grown-ups.  Erick Aybar feels ready to pick up the Cabrera mantle, but Maicer Izturis brought glove-flavored Kool-Aid for everybody and totally thinks it’s unfair he might have to play a utility role.  Chone Figgins couldn’t agree more as he wants to know why Brandon Wood keeps lingering around third base and taunting Chone with “I’m not touching third.  I’m not touching third!  Is this bothering you how I’m not touching third?”  At catcher, Mike Napoli and Jeff Mathis are all smiles at sharing the starting job because all that squatting is a lot of work, y’know?

Scioscia will stick to his guns and take advantage of the depth provided by his large group of very skilled boys who he’s very proud of, all of them.  There will be platooning and DH rotations and bruised egos and it will all go away after they’re up by 14 games in the AL West.  Mike’s doing it this way because he *is* the boss of them and they can go to their rooms and sulk until playoff time as long as they do their chores to win the division.

But they’re *so* moving out when their contracts are up.  Hmph.

Rally Monkey, You’re a Desperado

Then the ape grew very depressed
Went through transactional analysis

The World-Famous Rally Monkey returns for his ninth season, quite the accomplishment in this business.  Most stars would be happy to collect their syndication money and fiddling with their production deals, but the monkey’s strapping the sign back on and getting out there.  That’s dedication.  (Or someone bought a house in the Valley.)

It’s easy to forget one’s humble beginnings when you’ve reached the heights of entertainment.  Look back at him in the early years and it’s easy to think you’re just looking at a clip from Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.  How low-rent!

[youtube:http://youtube.com/watch?v=WpqPVJFzKdc]

Still, he caught on at just the right time, carrying the squad just two short years later to a world championship.  (By the way, you can see the Monkey’s ring on display at the LA Zoo in 2009 as part of the “10 Years of the Rally Monkey” exhibit, touring zoos nationally and internationally.)

[youtube:http://youtube.com/watch?v=RPY8UIZnRrM]

As with any success story, some missteps were to be expected.  The Monkey started attaching his name to unfortunate and unsuccessful causes.

[youtube:http://youtube.com/watch?v=-1DQxLef0PA]

Still, he’s back after hitting the gym last winter and rededicating himself to his craft.  He’s ready to carry the Angels further than their first round exits of recent vintage.  He also wants to remind everyone that he is the starting Rally Monkey and has no interest in ceding his position to Torii Hunter.

[youtube:http://youtube.com/watch?v=FnBubnHgXWw]

Warm Fuzzies

For all the drama surrounding the Angels, though, the best reason to watch the Angels on any given night has to be the unadulterated joy of watching the 2007 Home Run Derby champion swing the bat.  Vladimir Guerrero wouldn’t be anyone’s pick to win the Home Run Derby any more than Dirk Nowitzki’s jump-heavy three point shot would be.  Yet both mercurial men won their showcase trophies on luck and passion as much as skill.

Vlad’s swing is unfettered by considerations like thought or planning.  The primal nature of his bat handling puts into question any study of the sweet science. Why study film or chart tendencies when Vlad can just grip it and rip it? He flings his entire being into every stroke.  Would that any of us every try injecting such passion and uninhibited action into any single motion of our life, much less the one we would be defined by!

And yet he does not miss often.  If he does not care for a pitch, it does not enter the field of play.  If a pitch is to his liking but not remotely close to him, he hunts it down like a fierce predator.  That pitch might be resting comfortably in its tent, thinking it has finally lost Vlad, when he rises from a nearby mudhole with bared fangs and eyes full of cold intent.

Also, he’ll bring a bat.

It’s unclear how much longer a swing that intense can last, from injury or fatigue.  Be sure to catch it while it’s in the wild.

To help, Refrigerator Logic is providing a list of reasons to watch every Major League Baseball team for the 2008 season. Anyone that’s read all the team lists should be able to pull up the MLB schedule on any day in early June and find reasons to enjoy any contest on the board that night.

Please join in the comments to add your own reasons. Tell everyone why your team is worth three and a half hours of their lives on any given day. Make us care and we’ll be there with a tasty beverage and an appreciation for what you feel each time your team takes the field.

It’s Our Anniversary

Twenty years ago, three men not named Tony put together a little band in Oakland that had a few R&B #1 hits and a few top 10 singles. Their infectious beats, snarky lyrics, and soulful grooves set a high standard for their contemporaries.

Twenty years ago, Don Zimmer led the Chicago Cubs to a 77-85 record in the NL East, good enough for fourth place. The team boasted six All-Stars, including the immortal Vance Law, yet could not produce a winning season for the fourth consecutive year. This marked the Chicago National League Ball Club’s eightieth year since their last World Series victory.

In 2008, there is a distinct lack of banners, parades, and commemorative bobbleheads in Chicago to mark the 100th anniversary of that 1908 triumph. (Well, not on the North Side, at least.) Still, you can expect every national announcer to mention this ignoble achievement during each Cubs broadcast.

If we’re supposed to believe men that have been selected over time for the ability to succeed at the highest level with extraordinary amounts of stress heaped upon them by their loved ones and authority figures could suddenly seize up when faced with a fastball in September, you can only imagine the size of the ham sandwich the Brewers must be building for the Cubs to represent the choke job required to lose the division in their hundredth attempt.

What Goes Around Comes Around

It’s been a rejuvenating offseason for Kerry Wood. The right-hander has come a long way from that 20-strikeout game his rookie season…

Most important, Wood is healthy.

“I felt great when I finished the season last year,” Wood said. “It felt like June for me when the season was over because I had such a late start. I took some time off and got right back into it. It’s nice to come into camp. My body feels good, and I’m ready to go.”

Quick quiz: what year was this written? Answer: doesn’t matter. It’s the same quote recycled since Jim Riggleman strapped himself onto Wood’s back and rode him to a Wild Card triumph that lasted all of 24 hours or so. Wood hasn’t been the same since being put up wet that winter.

While Dusty Baker’s hatred of young men with functional arms is well-documented, it has never helped Kerry that his delivery lurches and spins more than an angry Whirling Dervish held together only by overstretched rubber bands. Frankly, it’s surprising his arm has stayed attached to his torso for this long.

The low-level gamble by the Cubs to bring him back full-time as a reliever and the titular favorite for the closer role bears watching for both team and man, but Cubs fans are most interested in Wood for not being Mark Prior. While both men struggled with the mortality of their wings, Wood exuded a blue-collar image and Prior projected petulance.

As Mark Prior tests his arm for the umpteenth season in his new Padres uniform, Cubs fans want to see Kerry Wood succeed for them as well to justify their affection and faith. That’s always been a lot for any man to shoulder.

My Ex-Girlfriend Is a Padre

Speaking of ex-Cubs now peddling their wares in San Diego in no small part for their personality flaws, the only people in Chicago that miss Michael Barrett either work in a bar or wish he would pick them up in a bar.

The list of players Barrett has been in an altercation with is only slightly shorter than the list of players he’s thrown out stealing. After losing his cool with Carlos Zambrano (who will not see “calm” anywhere in his bio in his lifetime) last June, he was sent off unceremoniously to San Diego for the ham sandwich pictured above.

(By the by, that slapfest with Pierzynski in 2006 was pretty cool, but reflection forces one to admit that the cleansing scent of vinegar was pretty strong on both of them that day.)

That trade made room for his obviously superior teammate and one of the best reasons to watch the 2008 Cubs: Geovany Soto. His .389/.433./.667 line last season in limited exposure may be a little optimistic, but he’s been waiting to bust out as long as Barrett’s been busting chins.

Soto throws out runners with ruthless efficiency. He hits the long ball. He doesn’t strike out often. He can play 120 games behind the plate (and may have to with Henry Blanco backing him up). He’s one of the few young players the Cubs can boast about. Sound smart at parties by talking him up as much as possible.

Tell Me, Pie, Where Did We Go Wrong?

On the other hand, the young player the Cubs expected to boast about last spring spent the year getting to know the potholes and rest stops on I-80 between Iowa and Chicago as Felix Pie bounced between Triple-A and the big boys.

• April 17: Up to the Cubs
• May 10: Down to Iowa
• June 3: Up to the Cubs
• July 8: Down to Iowa
• August 8: Up to the Cubs

In 87 games, he somehow managed to accrue only 177 at-bats. Attempts to stop Lou Piniella from asking umpires to write ‘Defensive Replacement’ as his name on the lineup card during double-switches went for naught. Still, his offensive struggles (.215/.271/.333) are understandable under the circumstances; he can expect to beat those numbers with regular time.

Pie should be settling into a full-time role this spring with no competition in front of him for the Opening Day trot. However, daily rumors involving Coco Crisp, Kenny Lofton, and the unfortunately-named Anyone But Felix Pie are a reminder that the Cubs don’t have much patience with youth and that every problem can be solved with a check.

(Well, except maybe this problem.)

We’d Never Listen to You If You Had No Loot

Unfortunately, this man has cut Cubs fans a reality check from his personal checkbook. The real estate entrepreneur took official ownership of the Cubs’ parent corporation (Tribune Co.) in December and immediately started talking about ways to monetize his investment.

Cubs fans have suffered through corporate ambivalence since the Tribune Company purchased the club in 1977. However, all efforts to milk the Cubs teat by their public stakeholders were fairly beneficial, like the creation of the WGN superstation. They were never great owners, but they were largely indifferent caretakers.

With Zell’s arrival, though, the Cubs franchise and Wrigley Field are just another acquisition to be flipped at the greatest profit. Chatting up CNBC with talk of renaming Wrigley Field showed a deaf ear to public opinion, but it’s not remotely the worst of Zell’s plans. His attempts to sell Wrigley Field to the City of Chicago for the subsequent tax breaks and avoidance of upkeep costs are far more heinous to a fan base that has a deep emotional link between home and loved one.

Cubs fans are watching this year to make sure they don’t see this bearded imp in next year’s plans. Of course, they can rest assured that the commissioner of Major League Baseball will look out for their best interest.

Erm. Moving on.

I’m Leavin’

Finally… Fukudome!

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3EWfxRT5qo]

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzBU7djRh3U]

By the way, Cubs fans pronounce it “NL Central Division Title”.

To help, Refrigerator Logic is providing a list of reasons to watch every Major League Baseball team for the 2008 season. Anyone that’s read all the team lists should be able to pull up the MLB schedule on any day in early June and find reasons to enjoy any contest on the board that night.

Please join in the comments to add your own reasons. Tell everyone why your team is worth three and a half hours of their lives on any given day. Make us care and we’ll be there with a tasty beverage and an appreciation for what you feel each time your team takes the field.

Reunion Tour

This is the year of the homecoming Brave. In an unexpected move, the Braves invited Javy Lopez to camp. Lopez came in this spring with a story of hope about committing himself to his catching prowess in the offseason and hoping to back up Brian McCann this year. Braves fans could not be more thrilled to see him again in the ol’ warpaint and have been cheering him endlessly. If you have a lazy afternoon and a bit of a nostalgic heart, tune in to see if Javy’s behind the plate in Atlanta. Braves fans will reward you for your time; hopefully, he’ll do the same in return.

However, the big reacquisition has to be Tom Glavine in a one-year farewell (?) national tour. After breaking hearts four years ago by traveling to the NL East rivals in Flushing, he returns for a final lap around the mound. While it’s likely at this point that he will be headlining an oldies show with little chance at a #1 album, he still has the same old needs just like any traveling band of warriors.

As part of his $8m contract this year, he has full run of a suite on the road. Of course, any good performer has specific requests for his tour. In a Refrigerator Logic exclusive, we’ve secured part of his rider for the suite, pictured below.

He’s No Brian Epstein or Theo Epstein, But…

Enter Frank Wren. The consigliere of Dynastic Architect John Schuerholz was promoted to General Manager last fall when Schuerholz chose to bump himself upstairs into pseudo-retirement. As fans of the classic band Spinal Tap can tell you, it only takes one Jeanine Pettibone to ruin the whole tour.

Still, this is no coup; Frank Wren was groomed for many years for the job once thought to belong to Dayton Moore. If you’re worried about his bona fides, take solace that Peter Angelos hated him and fired him in under a year.

If you watch the Braves this year, you’re watching his team as much as anyone else’s. He’s marking time as best as possible until his young talent arrives in 2009-2010. It’s as good a strategy as any for a venue owner: pack ‘em in with classic acts until the next big thing comes along. The old-timers with the cash love it.

Size Matters in Georgia

Speaking of obvious measurement errors…

This is the telly at Turner Field. It stands roughly 23904832098 feet tall. When Bobby Cox appears on the screen during introductions, his visage haunts small children for years in their nightmares. It’s the only way to see all the action, perhaps, and yet all Chipper Jones wonders is if they get SpectraVision on that…

Boy Band of Brothers

And what of that young talent? Too much to list ‘em all. Few infielders, but the outfield won’t suffer from a lack of options soon. Jeff Francoeur (Frenchy is such a great nickname) is tabbed by many to ‘asplode this year. Jordan Schafer is the reason Andruw Jones was allowed to take his subpar season to Chavez Ravine; his defense will certainly remind the Atlanta faithful of the man with the inverted final letter in his first name. You can probably see him after the All-Star pause.

Youngish Yunel Escobar came out of nowhere (legally, anyway; Cuba still doesn’t like their baseball players to wind their way through Central America on their way to U.S. glory) to secure the shortstop job quite admirably, allowing the Braves to flip Edgar Renteria for more pitching and outfield talent. A raft of other pitching talent rests comfortably on the top prospects list for the Braves as well. You can expect to see some of them peek their heads out for September callups.

A Brief Reminder from Liberty Media

From the initial purchase press release in May 2007:

“We are pleased with the successful conversion of these Time Warner shares as this transaction enhances our financial and strategic flexibility,” Liberty Chairman John Malone said. “We are pleased with the value created for our shareholders from our ownership of Turner Broadcasting and Time Warner.”

“Liberty Media is delighted to join with the Atlanta Braves Baseball Club and their fan base and looks forward to the team excelling as they have for the past fifteen years,” said Liberty President and CEO Greg Maffei. “This transaction represents another significant step in our transition to a focused operating company.”

Building a Brent Lillibridge to the future: Liberty Media!

To help, Refrigerator Logic is providing a list of reasons to watch every Major League Baseball team for the 2008 season. Anyone that’s read all the team lists should be able to pull up the MLB schedule on any day in early June and find reasons to enjoy any contest on the board that night.

Please join in the comments to add your own reasons. Tell everyone why your team is worth three and a half hours of their lives on any given day. Make us care and we’ll be there with a tasty beverage and an appreciation for what you feel each time your team takes the field.

You Do What You Do, Right?

Dusty Baker could not be more of a known quantity if he were defined by wavelengths of the orange-red line. He’s precisely what you expect when you hire him: he hates anything invented or discovered before he turned 35. He believes runs are driven in through burly effort, not a result of having men on base. He believes young pitchers were placed on this earth for him to bury mercilessly. He has a keen understanding of genetics. As Christina Kahrl points out repeatedly at Baseball Prospectus, he knows how to use his son as a human shield at press conferences.

He’ll change course only after ramming into the brick wall a few times. He will always favor the older man, single-handedly turning back age discrimination trends in America. He enjoys long walks in the park as long as they’re not with his batters. He’ll happily admit wrong as long as it’s yours.

And, hey, he’s great for a quote and/or an ejection. That’s quality viewing, right?

That’s Right – You’re Parsley

Josh Fogg pitched another 165 innings for Colorado in 2007 and offered up an ERA around 5 for the sixth consecutive season. He provided his typical 5.2 innings per game. If you were told he ate dinner at 4:47 pm every day and always had the same number of peas on his plate for salisbury steak night, you could believe it. He is as regular and as ordinary as Tuesday afternoon’s budget meeting.

And yet he pitched his best baseball of his career in the 2007 postseason, battling Brandon Webb and Curt Schilling to a standstill. He became a part of Rockies folklore with his sudden decency, rising from mere competence.

So what is the reward for Josh Fogg after four full years for the Pittsburgh Pirates and two years pitching at a mile high? A year at Pitcher Crushing Field at two and a half times the minimum salary for a manager famous for leaving his duelers in three batters too long.

You’re a tribute to the true baseball fan, just plugging along until the pension kicks in and only occasionally being noticed. We salute you, Josh Fogg, and this strychnine is for you. Claim it whenever you please. Until then, we’ll tune in to cheer you on, mostly out of pity.

There’s Always Another Girl

Of course, the Josh Fogg Experience is only stopping in Cincinnati for 2008 to buy time for the youngsters to arrive. In this case, Reds fans and baseball viewers have a lot to look forward to this season. Three young Reds will make their full season debuts at some point this spring or summer, depending on how much roster shenanigans GM Wayne Krivsky is willing to try with his young charges to keep them from getting expensive for one more year:

• Jay Bruce – Consensus top prospect in baseball. Plays center field right now, currently being kept warm by Ryan Freel, who only seems to play like a possessed man. He hits home runs and takes walks. He covers a mean center field and works hard to stay that way. He smiles a lot, thanks his momma for her hard work, and will kiss your baby for an extraordinarily low fee. Really, he’s appointment television in 2008 whenever his appointment is scheduled. (Refrigerator Logic’s money is on June 2nd; start your own pool now.)
• Homer Bailey -A lingering groin pull helped this flamethrower with the nasty power curve slip off the Zeitgeist Doppler 3000 last season, but he’s still the likely true striker ace for the next successful Reds squad. Assuming he’s well and confident this year, there’s only one question for you: do you want to go… faster?
• Joey Votto – Assuming Dusty doesn’t fall in love with one of the fellows from the nearby retirement village in spring training because he brought his own glove and can remember when Dusty could really swing that pine, look for this chunk of home run power to be filling out the middle of the order in a quite flattering manner this summer.

Those fellows ought to match nicely with Arroyo, Harang, and the terminally underrated Brandon Phillips in a year or two, non?

Fun? Who Promised You Fun? We Get Paid, Remember?

It appears for all the world that Adam Dunn is finished in Cincinnati this season. Completed. Kaput. Fin. No, no… that’s not quite it. Certainly some headline writer will think of the proper word come July and the trading deadline.

Adam Dunn has only been able to get on base 38% of the time in his seven seasons in Cincinnati and bopping out a mere 238 home runs before turning 28 last winter. Therefore, it’s understandable why the Reds have been so anxious to please its fans and move on.

If you like efficient offensive machines in home run parks, you could dial up a Reds game to see Adam Dunn smash. Better hurry, though; this offer expires soon.

So, Make Any Resolutions?

This is Ken Griffey, Jr.’s last season on his contract.

Go ahead. Take a moment. It’s understandable.

When Griffey signed the massive deal in February 2000, the press exalted the “hometown” deal for the native Ohioan. As he exits the contract this year (barring a baffling pickup of his $16.5m 2009 option by Reds management), a weary nation lets free a tiny sigh of relief. After all, 105 games per season for eight years of questionable conditioning and devolving results have left a bad taste in the mouths of everyone not eating on Griffey’s dime.

However, the contract size and the cold taffy brittleness of his hamstrings have masked Griffey’s late-career desire to accomplish just a bit more before he shuffles off this active player coil. Therefore, on behalf of the Griffey family and our friends at Nike and with the inspiration from Matt Sussman, we are proud to present…

The Ken Griffey, Jr. Bucket List

• Get adamantium laced through all his bones just like Hugh Jackman in those X-Men movies
• Prepare new Nike line of corrective shoes
• Run for President now that he’s finally eligible
• Call up ProStars and see if they need a fourth
• Tattoo of Lou Piniella on his ankle
• Star in an international buddy flick with Nicholas Tse
• Try using his 500 home run club card to get a discount at Medieval Times
• Visit Paris
• See all the major league parks on the Reds’ schedule this summer with a bunch of his buddies from the Reds’ roster
• Finish building the shelf for all of his framed MRIs
• Travel back in time and take a swing at Rob Reiner’s ankle, preventing him from making The Bucket List. Oh, and North, too
• Have Darren Baker work with Trey Griffey on bat boy duties
• Stretch
• World Series ring (if time)

To help, Refrigerator Logic is providing a list of reasons to watch every Major League Baseball team for the 2008 season. Anyone that’s read all the team lists should be able to pull up the MLB schedule on any day in early June and find reasons to enjoy any contest on the board that night.

Please join in the comments to add your own reasons. Tell everyone why your team is worth three and a half hours of their lives on any given day. Make us care and we’ll be there with a tasty beverage and an appreciation for what you feel each time your team takes the field.

I’m a Goddamn Marvel of Modern Science

You’re Frank Catalanotto.  You’ve got a great shot at a starting slot in left field for a major league ballclub at the age of 34.  Admittedly, it doesn’t promise to be a successful year for the team, but it ought to be a fine season for you.  You trot out to a standing ovation for your Texas Rangers for your home opener.  How fantastic, right?

You glance to your left to see who will be protecting this well-kept ground with you today and you see Josh Hamilton.  Yes, that Josh Hamilton.  The one that spent 2002-2005 with “undisclosed off-field problems” that came in smokable, ingestible, and injectable forms and led to an indefinite suspension from his only viable place of employment.  You were pretty happy for the guy when he was scooped up by the Reds from the Cubs in the Rule 5 Draft last season and crushed the ball.  I mean, hey, there but for the grace of God, right?

But now he’s right over there to your left and he’s got a pretty wild-eyed look to him and you’re not really sure where this guy’s gonna be from play to play, much less September.  You swallow hard.

Then you keep looking past Hamilton and you see this massive human being that walks with a bit of a limp.  When you realize it’s Milton Bradley, you’re not sure if the limp is from his right ACL tear or the weight distribution from the massive chip on his right shoulder.  He’s got a full deck of incentives in his contract to stay healthy and not attack every authority figure perceived to be in his way, but you’re not completely positive he’s playing with all those cards shuffled in.

Sure, dude wants to win, but he wants to win his way or the highway.  You can kinda see the highway from here for him.  You move a little closer to the left field foul line.

Better keep an eye on this outfield, you think; anything could happen.  The first crack of the bat of the season rifles through your ears and you turn your attention to the ball.

Life’s Unfair, So Suck It Up

Álex Rodríguez (age 32; 13 years MLB service) – 518 HR, 265 SB, .967 OPS, $32m in 2009

Michael Young (age 31; 6 years MLB service) – 103 HR, 59 SB, .795 OPS, $16m in 2009

No pressure, Mikey; we’ll be watching.

Okay, A Little Pressure

Not only was that unfair to Michael Young if for no other reason than Alex Rodriguez’s move to third base to protect the legacy of Derek Jeter, but there’s a very good chance Young will be peeking behind him when he gets that huge raise next year.  Standing behind Young and flicking his ear mercilessly is a glove fiend by the name of Elvis Andrus.  (Don’t worry; there won’t be any name puns.  What would you even do with ‘Andrus’, anyway?  Roman bath puns?)

If Andrus learns to hit major league pitching, he could be a top-tier shortstop. Even if he doesn’t, he’ll still be major league quality.  Of course, GM Jon Daniels probably can’t convince anyone to dump Young for the unproven youngster and may not even want to do so.  Therefore, Elvis could be packing his bags in return for pitching.

Ha Ha.  No, Seriously.  Where’s the Real List?

Pitching, you see, might be a little problem for the Rangers for the 87th consecutive season.  If you love offense, be sure to catch as many Rangers games as possible.  If you love it when the Rangers score more runs than their opponents, you may want to turn your head for a moment:

Rangers Starting Rotation

1. Kevin Millwood (already injured)
2. Vincente Padilla (5.76 ERA in 2007)
3. Jason Jennings (6.45 ERA in 2007)
4. Brandon McCarthy (ERA under 5 last season and an Irrational Favorite of the Refrigerator Logic editorial team; best of luck, son)
5. You’re still reading the list?  You have a bad case of schaudenfreude or masochism.

There’s pitching in the low minors on the way, but it won’t be putting its tray up or locking its seat in the upright position in 2008.  It’ll be entertaining for those who like pinball baseball, but elegance will not be the Rangers’ forte this season.

But Hey…

¡ Viva El Presidente Nolan Ryan!  That’s good, right?  Right?

On a Positive Note

The Rangers’ new closer, C.J. Wilson, has a very healthy pastime he worked on during the offseason.

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxbTC_4eMxo]

Favorite quotes from the piece:

“It’d be like someone coming in and trying to hit off my fastball.”  – Gotta like that!  You want your closers to hate losing and have a competitive fire in everything they do.

“I’ll have more time to practice in the offseason.” – Okay, that’s good, too.  He’s willing to put in long hours to succeed. And what’s wrong with extended Guitar Hero sessions, anyway?

Oh.  Well.  Good luck with that.

To help, Refrigerator Logic is providing a list of reasons to watch every Major League Baseball team for the 2008 season. Anyone that’s read all the team lists should be able to pull up the MLB schedule on any day in early June and find reasons to enjoy any contest on the board that night.

Please join in the comments to add your own reasons. Tell everyone why your team is worth three and a half hours of their lives on any given day. Make us care and we’ll be there with a tasty beverage and an appreciation for what you feel each time your team takes the field.

No Point in Being Cute in an Ugly Situation

This is the best reason to watch the St. Louis Cardinals every season:

Albert Pujols has nursed a series of injuries that would fell most elephants and many Fielders on the way to compiling the following numbers in seven full seasons: 1091 games played, .332/.420/.620, 282 home runs, 592 walks against 452 strikeouts, one World Series ring.

He is allegedly 28 years of age this year and could possibly keep this up for another decade or so. Simply put, Albert Pujols is appointment television. If he comes to your town, show up early for batting practice. Watching him put ball after ball into the upper deck in center field at Oakland Coliseum should put to rest any concerns you have about the virility and power of the human race. You would be forgiven if you applied your newfound faith into the nearest cult with predominantly red robes.

If you have a fantasy baseball team and someone in your league ever utters the phrase “… trading Albert Pujols for…”, you turn around and punch their nose into their skull. It doesn’t matter how that sentence ends. It could end with “… to secure the funds to finance the final clinical trials for a cure for AIDS” and it would still be a massively unfair trade.

It’s been said that catching an Albert Pujols home run will cure leprosy. (Of course, losing a leprous arm while tussling for an Albert Pujols home run is not covered by this miracle. Please check your ticket for more information.) When Albert Pujols catches a baseball, the ball unravels in excitement. This also happened in 2005 when a young woman tripped down the dugout steps at Miller Park.

In other words, he’s pretty good.

What Are You Wearing… Eau de Desperation?

Juan Gonzalez has been invited to camp. Yes, that Juan Gonzalez. His last attempt at a comeback ended one game into a full-season contract with a hamstring pull and questions about his desire to play baseball again.

It’s not certain having Juan Gonzalez in your outfield is baseball worth watching unless you really like when MacGyver has to disarm the ticking time bomb with bubble gum, shoelaces, and pig intestines. Still, when your team is seriously considering Ryan Ludwick, why don’t you ask Juan Gone to come on down and take a tour of the facilities? After all, it doesn’t cost much to have him come in and it certainly would be nice to have another power bat to accompany that of…

… Sir Albert of Pujols. Did you know he has a foundation for people with Down Syndrome because his daughter has this syndrome? Did you know you could support the foundation by using a credit card with Pujols’ likeness on it? Could he be any more dreamy?

More Twists Than a Chubby Checker Biopic

The Cardinals wouldn’t mind in the slightest if Inspirational Figure and Friend of Leitch Rick Ankiel could carry that power load for a season or two. The story of Rick Ankiel has been well documented, but briefly: Next Coming pitcher, missed the train station while coming due to a nasty case of Steve Blass Disease, disappearance, Tommy John surgery, reappearance, admission of failure, transition to position player, knee injury, rehabilitation, amazing comeback, big league debut, 11 home runs in limited playing time, huge hero, HGH use discovered and admitted to, MLB does not punish usage, spring training 2008.

Whew.

If Ankiel can survive the latest blows to his psyche and body, he will earn the opportunity to keep center field warm for Colby Rasmus and provide the source of many RBIs for…

… St. Albert de Santo Domingo. Did you know that The Fielding Bible found Pujols to be the best first baseman at digging balls out of the dirt in 2005? It’s as if the ball wants to be with Pujols since it knows it will be sent away as soon as he exchanges glove for bat. Just one more minute, Albert!

It’s Colby-ing Time! (Almost)

Colby Rasmus? Why, he’s only the center fielder of the future for the Cardinals, prepared to crush 20 home runs and/or steal 30 bases for the 2009 Cardinals! While he will spend most of 2008 in Triple-A (in all likelihood) to work on his defense and hitting lefties, the team will likely get a peek at the true operational power of a Colby Rasmus next season as he leads the supporting effort to get…

… Albert Pujols back into the playoffs. Did you know that Albert Pujols is not an anagram for “seer of angels” but should be?

‘Cause Pitching for the Cardinals is Painless

Still, all of the position player shenanigans won’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy, mixed-up world if the pitching staff can’t find a few miracles in their M*A*S*H unit. Currently, the staff is hoping for Mark Mulder to rise from the dead, Matt Clement to avoid breaking despite being the porcelain chew toy for the NL Central, and Chris Carpenter to just come back because they’ll love him no matter what mistakes he might have made and all will be forgiven if you just come back because everyone misses you. Also, they’d really like it if Braden Looper returns this year as anyone but Braden Looper.

If you’re into horror shows, maybe you’ll watch the Cardinals play to see how the victims are eviscerated this week. In the end, though, the Cardinals’ only hope at relevance and entertaining baseball in 2008 might be to get the best elbow specialists in the world to get their newest pitcher into working shape:

Look to the skies, friend; that’s where your hope lies.

To help, Refrigerator Logic is providing a list of reasons to watch every Major League Baseball team for the 2008 season. Anyone that’s read all the team lists should be able to pull up the MLB schedule on any day in early June and find reasons to enjoy any contest on the board that night.

Please join in the comments to add your own reasons. Tell everyone why your team is worth three and a half hours of their lives on any given day. Make us care and we’ll be there with a tasty beverage and an appreciation for what you feel each time your team takes the field.

The Most Important Person for the Boston Red Sox Is…

Since most people are familiar with the Boston Red Sox and their two World Series titles in 2004 and 2007, let’s concentrate on a slightly more obscure reason to watch the Red Sox this season. With all the stars of Boston baseball well known by now, focus your viewing energy on the most important man for the Boston Red Sox this season…

Yes, Doug Mirabelli. After all, why would a team trade a marginal backup catcher with a history of leg problems that batted .228 in 2005 to San Diego for a Lump O’Loretta, only to trade back for him on May 1, 2006, for a Block O’Cla, Doug’s failed replacement, *and* enough cash to put down a nice down payment on a loft downtown?

Upon reacquiring Mirabelli, tens of thousands more dollars were spent on a police escort to meet him at Logan International Airport and shepherd him to Fenway Park in time for the game against the Yankees, where his special Wakefield-ready catcher’s mitt was waiting for him just as he left it. Why would Mirabelli be worth this unless it were true?

And after 2007’s ring-worthy .202 batting effort that was again plagued by trunk issues, why was he given half a million dollars to return this season? There can only be one answer: he is the most important person on the Red Sox payroll and the reason they won two World Series titles.

Now Here’s a Bit of a Knuckler

However, what if it’s this guy instead?

After all, Doug Mirabelli is the one that carries the distance card cheat sheet for Tim Wakefield and helps him select one of his many wedges from his bag for each batter. (”Frank Thomas plays long and has a nasty dog left; you’ll want to toss the ball up high about 60 feet or so and let it roll in.”)

Also, the knuckleballer is a dying species in baseball due to the knuckeball’s complexity, fickle nature, and girlish figure. If the fastball is a measure of masculinity in baseball terms, Charlie Haeger might as well challenge Bobby Riggs to an at-bat.

Perhaps the Red Sox must protect their precious pitcher with the ageless warrior Mirabelli against the savage hordes of heater hitters to ensure their championship success and the health of the nation.

Now I Will Draw You a Map of Fenway in the Sand

If you’re still looking for the true story of the Red Sox’s success this year, watch Red Sox games after checking in with Curt Schilling, the highest-paid embedded reporter since Geraldo Rivera. Since he injured his shoulder sometime after (and definitely not before) signing a $8m one-year deal, Schilling will concentrate on his rehabilitation and his reporting behind the lines of Red Sox Nation’s battle against the pinstriped forces of evil.

At the home of his one-man news gathering organization, 38pitches.com, you can find such key tidbits to the Red Sox season as:

• How Curt’s rehabilitation is doing
• How Curt feels the team will do this season
• Curt’s analysis of the trade market this summer
• What Curt’s teammates think of Curt
• Where Curt stands on cloning dogs
• Why Curt isn’t retiring (until after the season)
• Curt’s analysis of the new towels in the locker room
• Why Curt would be a better President than Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, or FDR
• Why Curt’s teammates think he should go off and run for President any time he wants to

With these invaluable nuggets of information, you will know just what to watch during Red Sox games when you can’t watch Curt Schilling pitch.

Manny’s Hair is Everywhere!

Perhaps you’re now convinced to watch a few Red Sox games before the postseason this year, but how can you see a Red Sox game? Surely you will have to move to Boston or steal Internet waves or learn semaphore or some such, right?

Of course not. Already, there are 18 regular season games scheduled for national consumption on Fox and ESPN. TBS will certainly plan more. All the networks will likely use any flex scheduling to gather more games as well. By September, you may know Clay Buchholz’s pitch selection better than his own mother does.

More Bait for the Ladies to Master

What’s that? You don’t know who Clay Buchholz is? You didn’t know you could tune in and see arguably the best pitching prospect in all baseball starting for the Red Sox some time this season? For shame! By July, his starts could become appointment viewing due to his 94 mph fastball, amazing curve, and scary intensity that could put Papelbon to shame?

You can add him to the Boston fan’s wet dream, along with stalker-friendly Jacoby Ellsbury (a top 20 prospect in center field himself), Jon Lester (the forgotten lefty with the very bright future), and Dustin Pedroia (the second baseman that keeps standing tall) to make a future Red Sox roster that’s awfully entertaining today as well:

Just watch out for their expensive experimental period in 2011.

Rock’n'Roll Dorks

However, if you’re able to see past all the other distractions and are still looking for the one true reason why it’s cool to watch the Red Sox this year, consider this evidence of Theo Epstein (Glorious Leader) and Peter Gammons (Shadow Prime Minster of Red Sox Nation):

[youtube:http://youtube.com/watch?v=US1wuo5p8pU]

[youtube:http://youtube.com/watch?v=kg7HQaGgZkQ]

Try getting Dayton Moore and Joe Posnanski to do that. (No, seriously. Please get them to do this. It would be the best thing to happen to Kansas City since Buck O’Neil.)