Here’s a clear shot from the daily Ice Machine, with crystal blue linkage of stories that will refresh you during your lunch break (since this isn’t likely to be a morning feature for the next two weeks):

Normally, we provide multiple links in this space, providing a bit of a pick-me-up/simple distraction.  However, we can only think of one topic today, so we beg your indulgence: Doug Collins is the new head coach of the Chicago Bulls, according to the Chicago Tribune.  Yes, he’s also the old head coach before Jordan forced him out.  

We have come to a deeply disheartening view of the Bulls and of all Chicago sports we wish to share with you now.  We highly recommend sitting down and consuming a calming beverage of your choice before continuing.

To wit: The Chicago Blackhawks are the most innovative sports franchise in Chicago today.

The Chicago Bulls have selected two high-strung defensive-minded coaches with short coaching life spans in a row.  They will select Michael Beasley in the draft because big men are always drafted when possible because That’s the Way It Is.  There will be grit and determination and heart and Derrick Rose will become the second point guard to leave Chicago and become a star in Miami.  (Star Jones has cleared her schedule in 2011.)

The Chicago Cubs installed Jim Edmonds in center field.  Their business innovations have involved allowing their head of marketing to be stolen by the Blackhawks (along with his key lieutenants) while trying to sell the naming rights to Wrigley Field, which is an incredibly old and played-out idea.  Their drafts have been unremarkable, highlighted by an attempt to draft a Notre Dame wide receiver because he throws so darned hard and isn’t that sexy?

The most creative thought held by a Cubs official in the last few years has been to try to sell Wrigley Field to the state to handle all the upgrades.  However, “highway robbery” has a long tradition unto itself.

The Chicago White Sox had a case to move to the head of the class in 2005 and possibly 2006, but now they are repeating the same mistakes in the draft and on the field without any self-awareness.  They would still win this anemic competition for their Carlos Quentin fixation last winter, which showed the ability to project past the problems and towards the solutions.

The Chicago Bears… if anyone has broken the key and deduced their plan involving building an offense or keeping an aging defense functional, please contact us by calling the station.  Thanks for your time.  (Also, we liked their recent draft, but we don’t know if we’d call it mold-breaking.  Their marketing has been yeoman-like but not exceptional.  They’re just… y’know… there.)

However, the Chicago Blackhawks have truly stepped forward in the last 12-18 months into solid competency.  The on-ice product has improved and shows signs of continuing to do so.  The off-ice marketing has proved at least interesting, with cross-sport promotion between the baseball teams in town and the Blackhawks.  Their games are on television, for crying out loud.  The new commercials have been well-focused and thoughtfully positioned.  They’re the only franchise in the city with organic buzz not built from getting really really lucky with ping-pong balls in a way that doesn’t involve Winona Ryder.

We could also argue the Chicago Fire have shown better innovation, especially with the Blanco signing, but their front office disarray and loss of goalkeepers leaves us uncertain at the moment.  Consider this an incomplete grade.

Therefore, we can only conclude the Wirtz-led franchise leads the pack in innovation.  The other franchises may succeed with their actions, but it will not be because they chose the right path after carefully considering many thoughtful and/or pioneering options.  It will be because they worked the checklist of What Should Be Done pathologically and got lucky.  That’s as entertaining as trainspotting.  (No, not that kind.)

Our Question of the Day should be obvious by now: What’s your choice for the most innovative sports franchise in Chicago today?

Matt Murton. 

Ma… yes, I used to play for you.  

No, not in Tampa.  In Chicago.  Remember me from spring training?

Yes, the ginger kid.  Anyway, I just wanted to check in with you and see if you needed my help for anything around the Cubs this week.

Oh, no reason, except I heard you just hired a dead man to start in the outfield for the Cubs.  I thought maybe you forgot about us down he…

No no, sir!  No, sir.  He’s not really dead.  It’s just… he’s not very good anymore.  He hasn’t hit for years and I think his defensive range can be measured by the specs on his Rascal.

No, of course not, sir.  I mean him no offense at all.  (none, obviously.)

What?  Nothing, sir.  It’s just that I’m down here in Triple-A and I’m available to play in center or left or, y’know, whatever you need up there in Chicago.  So if you wanted a baseball player instead of an assistant coach…

… no, sir, I’m not left-handed.

Yes, I know he’s left-handed.  Sir, if you want me to be left-handed and hit as well as him, I can do that.  I can even borrow Jim Abbott’s glove if you want me to catch lefty.  

Yes, sir; I’m sorry.  That was in bad taste.  It’s just that… what do we guys down here in the minors have to do to get on the team?  You’re sending Felix back again after one bad month of being jerked around and Sean’s only back up in the rotation because Rich Hill imploded and you only played Soto last year after Michael Barrett tried to drop kick your new puppy into the broadcast booth.

Yes, sir.  

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, Mr. Piniella, sir.  I look forward to hearing from you.

To help, Refrigerator Logic is providing a list of reasons to watch every Major League Baseball team for the 2008 season. Anyone that’s read all the team lists should be able to pull up the MLB schedule on any day in early June and find reasons to enjoy any contest on the board that night.

Please join in the comments to add your own reasons. Tell everyone why your team is worth three and a half hours of their lives on any given day. Make us care and we’ll be there with a tasty beverage and an appreciation for what you feel each time your team takes the field.

It’s Our Anniversary

Twenty years ago, three men not named Tony put together a little band in Oakland that had a few R&B #1 hits and a few top 10 singles. Their infectious beats, snarky lyrics, and soulful grooves set a high standard for their contemporaries.

Twenty years ago, Don Zimmer led the Chicago Cubs to a 77-85 record in the NL East, good enough for fourth place. The team boasted six All-Stars, including the immortal Vance Law, yet could not produce a winning season for the fourth consecutive year. This marked the Chicago National League Ball Club’s eightieth year since their last World Series victory.

In 2008, there is a distinct lack of banners, parades, and commemorative bobbleheads in Chicago to mark the 100th anniversary of that 1908 triumph. (Well, not on the North Side, at least.) Still, you can expect every national announcer to mention this ignoble achievement during each Cubs broadcast.

If we’re supposed to believe men that have been selected over time for the ability to succeed at the highest level with extraordinary amounts of stress heaped upon them by their loved ones and authority figures could suddenly seize up when faced with a fastball in September, you can only imagine the size of the ham sandwich the Brewers must be building for the Cubs to represent the choke job required to lose the division in their hundredth attempt.

What Goes Around Comes Around

It’s been a rejuvenating offseason for Kerry Wood. The right-hander has come a long way from that 20-strikeout game his rookie season…

Most important, Wood is healthy.

“I felt great when I finished the season last year,” Wood said. “It felt like June for me when the season was over because I had such a late start. I took some time off and got right back into it. It’s nice to come into camp. My body feels good, and I’m ready to go.”

Quick quiz: what year was this written? Answer: doesn’t matter. It’s the same quote recycled since Jim Riggleman strapped himself onto Wood’s back and rode him to a Wild Card triumph that lasted all of 24 hours or so. Wood hasn’t been the same since being put up wet that winter.

While Dusty Baker’s hatred of young men with functional arms is well-documented, it has never helped Kerry that his delivery lurches and spins more than an angry Whirling Dervish held together only by overstretched rubber bands. Frankly, it’s surprising his arm has stayed attached to his torso for this long.

The low-level gamble by the Cubs to bring him back full-time as a reliever and the titular favorite for the closer role bears watching for both team and man, but Cubs fans are most interested in Wood for not being Mark Prior. While both men struggled with the mortality of their wings, Wood exuded a blue-collar image and Prior projected petulance.

As Mark Prior tests his arm for the umpteenth season in his new Padres uniform, Cubs fans want to see Kerry Wood succeed for them as well to justify their affection and faith. That’s always been a lot for any man to shoulder.

My Ex-Girlfriend Is a Padre

Speaking of ex-Cubs now peddling their wares in San Diego in no small part for their personality flaws, the only people in Chicago that miss Michael Barrett either work in a bar or wish he would pick them up in a bar.

The list of players Barrett has been in an altercation with is only slightly shorter than the list of players he’s thrown out stealing. After losing his cool with Carlos Zambrano (who will not see “calm” anywhere in his bio in his lifetime) last June, he was sent off unceremoniously to San Diego for the ham sandwich pictured above.

(By the by, that slapfest with Pierzynski in 2006 was pretty cool, but reflection forces one to admit that the cleansing scent of vinegar was pretty strong on both of them that day.)

That trade made room for his obviously superior teammate and one of the best reasons to watch the 2008 Cubs: Geovany Soto. His .389/.433./.667 line last season in limited exposure may be a little optimistic, but he’s been waiting to bust out as long as Barrett’s been busting chins.

Soto throws out runners with ruthless efficiency. He hits the long ball. He doesn’t strike out often. He can play 120 games behind the plate (and may have to with Henry Blanco backing him up). He’s one of the few young players the Cubs can boast about. Sound smart at parties by talking him up as much as possible.

Tell Me, Pie, Where Did We Go Wrong?

On the other hand, the young player the Cubs expected to boast about last spring spent the year getting to know the potholes and rest stops on I-80 between Iowa and Chicago as Felix Pie bounced between Triple-A and the big boys.

• April 17: Up to the Cubs
• May 10: Down to Iowa
• June 3: Up to the Cubs
• July 8: Down to Iowa
• August 8: Up to the Cubs

In 87 games, he somehow managed to accrue only 177 at-bats. Attempts to stop Lou Piniella from asking umpires to write ‘Defensive Replacement’ as his name on the lineup card during double-switches went for naught. Still, his offensive struggles (.215/.271/.333) are understandable under the circumstances; he can expect to beat those numbers with regular time.

Pie should be settling into a full-time role this spring with no competition in front of him for the Opening Day trot. However, daily rumors involving Coco Crisp, Kenny Lofton, and the unfortunately-named Anyone But Felix Pie are a reminder that the Cubs don’t have much patience with youth and that every problem can be solved with a check.

(Well, except maybe this problem.)

We’d Never Listen to You If You Had No Loot

Unfortunately, this man has cut Cubs fans a reality check from his personal checkbook. The real estate entrepreneur took official ownership of the Cubs’ parent corporation (Tribune Co.) in December and immediately started talking about ways to monetize his investment.

Cubs fans have suffered through corporate ambivalence since the Tribune Company purchased the club in 1977. However, all efforts to milk the Cubs teat by their public stakeholders were fairly beneficial, like the creation of the WGN superstation. They were never great owners, but they were largely indifferent caretakers.

With Zell’s arrival, though, the Cubs franchise and Wrigley Field are just another acquisition to be flipped at the greatest profit. Chatting up CNBC with talk of renaming Wrigley Field showed a deaf ear to public opinion, but it’s not remotely the worst of Zell’s plans. His attempts to sell Wrigley Field to the City of Chicago for the subsequent tax breaks and avoidance of upkeep costs are far more heinous to a fan base that has a deep emotional link between home and loved one.

Cubs fans are watching this year to make sure they don’t see this bearded imp in next year’s plans. Of course, they can rest assured that the commissioner of Major League Baseball will look out for their best interest.

Erm. Moving on.

I’m Leavin’

Finally… Fukudome!

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3EWfxRT5qo]

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WzBU7djRh3U]

By the way, Cubs fans pronounce it “NL Central Division Title”.

“Three Chicago Cubs players were victims of a burglary suspect who is accused of stealing from several Mesa businesses over almost a four month span, police said…. The Cub players were pitcher Jeff Samardzija, catcher Jake Fox and outfielder Tyler Colvin. Police said all three players had personal items stolen, which included checkbooks, cell phones and credit cards.”

Considering Samardzija’s contract, I think this falls under “turnabout is fair play”. Still, the three victims probably don’t find it terribly amusing, so the best to them after an unsettling invasion into their privacy that even Baseball America would be ashamed of.

Still, you have to hand it to the mastermind behind this daring theft; he really knows how to choose his victims.

“[The moron] was also accused of stealing from the Save the Family Foundation … on Oct. 19, 2007, police said.”

Strike my last.

Let’s hope this “… transient burglar who is well-known to authorities…” will be kept behind bars for a long time if for nothing more than committing the theft before the rich players arrived on Wednesday. Nice call on grabbing Tyler Colvin’s pocketbook and passing on Carlos Zambrano’s.

(By the way, who the hell under the age of 25 carries a checkbook these days? Can we get these fellows training on how to use a computer? Or a debit card? How unfortunately retro.)