Juan Gonzalez has a minor abdominal strain, slowing his attempt to return to the major leagues with the Cardinals.

Manager Tony La Russa said Thursday he scratched 38-year-old Gonzalez from the lineup card a day earlier.

Gonzalez, a two-time AL MVP who missed the last two years and had only one at-bat in 2005, said he was day to day.

Gonzalez felt a pull on his left side more than a week ago and has difficulty running. He has been able to take batting and fielding practice.

What? Really? Juan Gone has an injury that prevents him from running but allows him to field and hit? What’s all this? Holy no-fucking-way, Batman!

How could that be? How could González the Mighty and Uniquely Durable possibly break down just enough to avoid cardiovascular work when faced with the intimidating competition of Brian Barton and Joe Mather and a grueling two-day “road trip” against decent pitching staffs?

I can only hope that Tony La Russa can see it in his heart to let the old man stick around just a bit longer, considering La Russa’s overwhelming desire to be surrounded by youth. This is just so surprising and heartbreaking. I hope Cardinals fans everywhere can deal with the despair. Maybe there can be ice cream.

To help, Refrigerator Logic is providing a list of reasons to watch every Major League Baseball team for the 2008 season. Anyone that’s read all the team lists should be able to pull up the MLB schedule on any day in early June and find reasons to enjoy any contest on the board that night.

Please join in the comments to add your own reasons. Tell everyone why your team is worth three and a half hours of their lives on any given day. Make us care and we’ll be there with a tasty beverage and an appreciation for what you feel each time your team takes the field.

No Point in Being Cute in an Ugly Situation

This is the best reason to watch the St. Louis Cardinals every season:

Albert Pujols has nursed a series of injuries that would fell most elephants and many Fielders on the way to compiling the following numbers in seven full seasons: 1091 games played, .332/.420/.620, 282 home runs, 592 walks against 452 strikeouts, one World Series ring.

He is allegedly 28 years of age this year and could possibly keep this up for another decade or so. Simply put, Albert Pujols is appointment television. If he comes to your town, show up early for batting practice. Watching him put ball after ball into the upper deck in center field at Oakland Coliseum should put to rest any concerns you have about the virility and power of the human race. You would be forgiven if you applied your newfound faith into the nearest cult with predominantly red robes.

If you have a fantasy baseball team and someone in your league ever utters the phrase “… trading Albert Pujols for…”, you turn around and punch their nose into their skull. It doesn’t matter how that sentence ends. It could end with “… to secure the funds to finance the final clinical trials for a cure for AIDS” and it would still be a massively unfair trade.

It’s been said that catching an Albert Pujols home run will cure leprosy. (Of course, losing a leprous arm while tussling for an Albert Pujols home run is not covered by this miracle. Please check your ticket for more information.) When Albert Pujols catches a baseball, the ball unravels in excitement. This also happened in 2005 when a young woman tripped down the dugout steps at Miller Park.

In other words, he’s pretty good.

What Are You Wearing… Eau de Desperation?

Juan Gonzalez has been invited to camp. Yes, that Juan Gonzalez. His last attempt at a comeback ended one game into a full-season contract with a hamstring pull and questions about his desire to play baseball again.

It’s not certain having Juan Gonzalez in your outfield is baseball worth watching unless you really like when MacGyver has to disarm the ticking time bomb with bubble gum, shoelaces, and pig intestines. Still, when your team is seriously considering Ryan Ludwick, why don’t you ask Juan Gone to come on down and take a tour of the facilities? After all, it doesn’t cost much to have him come in and it certainly would be nice to have another power bat to accompany that of…

… Sir Albert of Pujols. Did you know he has a foundation for people with Down Syndrome because his daughter has this syndrome? Did you know you could support the foundation by using a credit card with Pujols’ likeness on it? Could he be any more dreamy?

More Twists Than a Chubby Checker Biopic

The Cardinals wouldn’t mind in the slightest if Inspirational Figure and Friend of Leitch Rick Ankiel could carry that power load for a season or two. The story of Rick Ankiel has been well documented, but briefly: Next Coming pitcher, missed the train station while coming due to a nasty case of Steve Blass Disease, disappearance, Tommy John surgery, reappearance, admission of failure, transition to position player, knee injury, rehabilitation, amazing comeback, big league debut, 11 home runs in limited playing time, huge hero, HGH use discovered and admitted to, MLB does not punish usage, spring training 2008.

Whew.

If Ankiel can survive the latest blows to his psyche and body, he will earn the opportunity to keep center field warm for Colby Rasmus and provide the source of many RBIs for…

… St. Albert de Santo Domingo. Did you know that The Fielding Bible found Pujols to be the best first baseman at digging balls out of the dirt in 2005? It’s as if the ball wants to be with Pujols since it knows it will be sent away as soon as he exchanges glove for bat. Just one more minute, Albert!

It’s Colby-ing Time! (Almost)

Colby Rasmus? Why, he’s only the center fielder of the future for the Cardinals, prepared to crush 20 home runs and/or steal 30 bases for the 2009 Cardinals! While he will spend most of 2008 in Triple-A (in all likelihood) to work on his defense and hitting lefties, the team will likely get a peek at the true operational power of a Colby Rasmus next season as he leads the supporting effort to get…

… Albert Pujols back into the playoffs. Did you know that Albert Pujols is not an anagram for “seer of angels” but should be?

‘Cause Pitching for the Cardinals is Painless

Still, all of the position player shenanigans won’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy, mixed-up world if the pitching staff can’t find a few miracles in their M*A*S*H unit. Currently, the staff is hoping for Mark Mulder to rise from the dead, Matt Clement to avoid breaking despite being the porcelain chew toy for the NL Central, and Chris Carpenter to just come back because they’ll love him no matter what mistakes he might have made and all will be forgiven if you just come back because everyone misses you. Also, they’d really like it if Braden Looper returns this year as anyone but Braden Looper.

If you’re into horror shows, maybe you’ll watch the Cardinals play to see how the victims are eviscerated this week. In the end, though, the Cardinals’ only hope at relevance and entertaining baseball in 2008 might be to get the best elbow specialists in the world to get their newest pitcher into working shape:

Look to the skies, friend; that’s where your hope lies.